Consciousness

  What happens when I sleep? Does everything stop?

  When I was about 4 or 5, in the afternoon, as my sisters went to lie down and take a nap, I liked to sit in between them and pat them to sleep. Sometimes, my Ah Gong would play some nursery rhymes on the radio at the same time. It was a very tranquil period of time. Everything was quiet, although my sisters might talk and giggle before they got sleepy. Meanwhile, I would sit there and pat them slowly, following a metronomic rhythm. When they slept, their faces looked so still, and they looked like they were at peace. But I hated how, once they fell asleep, they were gone. They were no longer conscious. They could no longer detect what I was doing. Even if I talked to them, they wouldn't respond. It's like time stopped, but only for them. In that moment, I felt so distant from them.
  Yesterday, I skyped my aunts. My second aunt, who is in a critical health condition, was sleeping. My third aunt asked me if I wanted to see her. I didn't know what to say. To say no would be saying I didn't really care. But to say yes...I don't know what's the point. Even if I saw her, we wouldn't be considered "interacting". Time had stopped for her then.    

Being alone

Recently, I read an interesting article about doing things alone. One of the main points that the author discussed was how doing things alone was socially unacceptable. This point was later driven home when I had a conversation with my friends that reflected the social stigma that the author was bemoaning about. I was discussing my holiday plans with my friends and I had one week that was unplanned and they asked, "What are you going to do for the week? There's no one around." And I didn't see a problem with what they perceived to be a problem. Well, assuming I read them correctly, they could not fathom how I could spend one week alone. I could have started a discussion on how I feel comfortable alone and see no problem, but I chose not to and held my tongue. Instead, I said, "I can meet up with my other friends."

But this shutting up made me even more compelled to discuss this topic, even if it's not with those friends. I don't understand why it's weird or queer to do things in public alone. Many people have this (may I point out that it is misguided) belief that being alone equates to feeling lonely and sad. Maybe they would feel so if they were alone, but this is not the case for everyone. Some people (me being one of them) enjoy their alone time. In fact, I relish it very much. I do socialize and I am predominantly extroverted, but I also need time to just be with myself and my thoughts.
I know of people who absolutely will not eat outside alone, watch a movie alone or study outside alone. Somehow, they don't mind doing these things at home alone, but they believe that there is an unspoken rule that you can't do it in public. These people will judge or pity people they see who do things alone in public. That baffles me very much. I mean, I can understand how you feel about doing things by yourself and I will respect your decision if you have a need to do things in a group. So why can't you respect the decisions of those who choose to do things by themselves? No, they are not always alone because they have no friends. Sometimes, they are intentionally alone. They don't want your pity or judgement. Personally, when I meet people outside, when I'm alone and they ask something along the lines of, "Why are you so sad?" My first reaction is, "I'm not sad!" Because I most certainly am not feeling any form of sorrow. My first thought after that is, "Why the hell are you so narrow minded?" I could retort back and say, "Why are you always with someone? Why are you so needy?" But I won't. But I will feel deeply insulted by your comment. I think most people who are intentionally alone will feel so.

I'm not going to market the notion of doing things alone and encourage whoever who reads this to trying being alone. Because the only life I wish to control is my own. I'm merely asking that you respect how people wish to lead their lives. Pity is not always a good thing. It can be a great insult to those who don't need it.

Learning to move on

       Moving overseas has its perks and its downsides. Many are drawn to the allures of moving overseas, such as the change in scenery, the exposure to a new culture and the opportunity to travel. But many fail to recognize the potential drawbacks of moving overseas. One of them being having to leave your friends behind. Before I left my home country, the thought of missing out on my friends' lives never even occurred to me. I always thought that with the level of technology that we currently possess, distance is merely a concept, not an obstacle. The idea that it was actually an obstacle was first introduced to me when a friend told me leaving her friends behind was one of the reasons why she didn't choose to study overseas. This idea was made more real when W told me about it on one of the occasions that we Skyped. And again, when D told me about her friend who went overseas to study.
       And here I am now, fully understanding what they were all talking about. Moving on is a part and parcel of life. I've travelled to a foreign land to study and live. I'm making new friends, meeting new people and spending my time with them. My friends in my home country are doing the same. They're making new friends of their own, getting closer to their current pool of friends and spending their time with said friends. They don't and won't spend hours just pining for my presence.
       Theoretically, I expected that my friends would move on. But emotionally, I guess I wasn't prepared for what would hit me. It was only when I flew there that it hit me: I had left my entire life behind to come here and I pressed a "reset" button on my entire life. From now on, I have to learn to live with a different culture, build friendships up from scratch and take care of myself. That from now on, most of my friends from home and I will only grow further apart, not in the other direction. And I have to accept that. To accept that we won't spend as much time together. To accept that when we do, we'll find fewer things funny together, fewer topics of interest and we'll experience longer lulls in conversation. To accept that meet ups will be replaced by calls, then texts, then birthday wishes on Facebook and one day we may no longer be Facebook friends even. It's a frightful thing, knowing what could happen to your friends in the years to come. It hurts too. But moving on is a part and parcel of life. And the ending of friendships not only reflect that friendships are transient, but lets you better appreciate your friendships. Because it teaches you how valuable and precious friendships can be. It teaches you that everyone has different phases in life and at each phase, you'll meet different people who will teach you something about yourself and about the human condition.
      Moving overseas is a bittersweet affair. There are ups, there are downs and I'm learning to accept both. But that doesn't mean that I'm numb to getting emotional when I think about the growing distance between me and my friends. I still feel the hurt and I still experience the fear that I will lose the ones I love, but I'm allowing myself to experience these emotions and accept it as a part of life.

"To live in a new place is a beautiful, thrilling thing, and it can show you that you can be whoever you want — on your own terms. It can give you the gift of freedom, of new beginnings, of curiosity and excitement. But to start over, to get on that plane, doesn’t come without a price. You cannot be in two places at once, and from now on, you will always lay awake on certain nights and think of all the things you’re missing out on back home."

         -Chelsea Fagan, What Happens When You Live Abroad 

     
        
     

Independent Living

       I never realised how hard it was to live with someone that you didn't grow up with. Growing up with my family, we got upset with each other every now and then, but when I've lived 20 years with them, I learned to accept their quirks and it just became a part of my life. The lifestyle habits of my parents become quickly ingrained into mine. I grew up being used to the habit of drinking boiled water, buying meat at the grocery store last, choosing the carton of milk that was positioned at the back of the fridge. I grew up accepting the my sisters' habits of eating over the keyboard, leaving their empty cups that were previously filled with sweet drinks on their tables and throwing their food wrappers in the living room bin. I didn't like it, but I tolerated it.
       Now, living in a new house, with a person that I've never lived with before, I'm learning a lot. I'm learning more about the quirks my housemate has, I'm learning which lifestyle habits of mine seem queer to her and I'm learning to compromise.
       Moving out taught me a lot about independence. For starters, it isn't as glamorous as it seems. Clearing food waste and hair from the sink, unclogging a toilet bowl filled with faeces and killing insects? Welcome to independent living! It's a breeze!
       Jokes aside, living independently from your family is uncomfortable. There's no one who is ready to take care of you if you fall ill, less people to share the load of household chores and you have to adapt to different eating habits. Foods that you love might be foods that your housemate detests. I'm not saying its terrible and I hate it, but I have to learn to accept a less comfortable lifestyle. Nevertheless, I believe that it's been a great learning experience so far. It's teaching me to be a better team player and to be less selfish.
       Working with your housemate can be likened to working with a team member. Communication, compromise and consideration are very important factors in building a good relationship with your house mate. At least that is in my case.
       Communication lets the other party know exactly what you're feeling and prevents incidences of unspoken expectations. For example, when we first moved in, we had conflicts in certain living habits of ours. Voicing out our expectations of each other and what we were or were not comfortable with let us know what irked each other. I will admit, I'm not the most careful dishwasher and my sense of hygiene is not as high as J's. But she let me know whenever she felt that my cleaning was not up to standard and I adjusted accordingly. Similarly, I didn't like how J raised her voice significantly at me and I told her. It improved our relationship because that's how we found out how each of us felt when we acted a certain way.
       Compromise is another important factor. My eating habits are vastly different from J's. I like brown rice, she can settle for white. There are foods that I eat and she doesn't, vice versa. But we've learnt to compromise, mixing brown and white rice, I've accepted that I can't eat spicy foods for communal meals and she's accepted that I don't eat processed food. Having everything done your way only would be unsustainable. There has to be give and take in any relationship in order for it to last.
       Lastly, there's consideration. I've learnt to think of myself less and think of J more when doing grocery shopping. Remembering to ask her if she needs me to get anything when I'm going to shop alone, doing the cooking or cleaning when she's busy and she does the same for me.
       I won't say that we have a perfect relationship and that we don't fight. We do argue. We do have conflicts. But eventually we compromise. We make up. We put the fights behind us. We've argued over both small and big things. In fact, the most trivial matter that we've ever argued over was whether or not to add a stalk of spring onion to our dinner. But we have good times too. Just today, we spent the whole morning baking and quilling paper. I'm glad that I have J around to share my life with. I'm thankful for her being there for me when I get stressed and for teaching me to be more considerate and less selfish. For lending me her clothes, for closing my windows when it rains in the middle of the night, for cooking for me when I'm busy and bringing in my laundry when it rains. I couldn't have asked for a better housemate. Thank you, J. :)