Last minute decisions

I guess the world has an interesting way to remind me again and again that life is unpredictable. Last year, it came in the form of the ending of many friendships. Learning that people change and sometimes the people you trusted most couldn't be trusted anymore. Learning that I was not as independent as I thought. That I do need people around me. I also saw who was really there for me when I needed help. And boy, am I glad I did. I figured out who my true friends were.

This time, the universe has deemed it necessary to teach me that life can go anytime. In one snap, someone I love could possibly just leave me. The last time I came close to the lingering scent of death was 6 years ago. I guess the world decided I need a refresher course.

Nevertheless, I am still thankful that I've been given a second chance. By some miracle, I have my uni break so I can fly back to spend more time with my family. It was probably the most stressful 4 days of my life, running around like a headless chicken trying to figure out how to change the flights I'd already booked before, deliberating if it was worth losing the money I'd spent on another trip I'd booked way in advance or worth paying 50% of my initial flight ticket to change my flight. But it dawned on me that my ah ma had spent so much on me. Not just money (which would probably be so much more than how much I'd spent on my air tickets), but she spent 20 years of her life taking care of me. She spent 20 years cooking even though she hated cooking, quit smoking before I was born so that I would grow up to be a healthy person (even though she was a heavy smoker), lived with us so that my parents wouldn't have to worry about childcare arrangements.

Her life was not easy. She was supposed to be able to rest easy after spending so much time raising my dad and his brothers. But then she offered to take care of her grandkids. Just as we'd began growing up and became more independent, she was supposed to be able to relax. But alas, when she thought she could enjoy her senior years, my Ah Gong was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. She spent her time taking care of him and us. And now, in her old age, she's ridden with illness herself.

6 years ago, I let my Ah Gong down. I made a promise to him that I would take care of ah ma for him. Ah Gong, I will not let you down this time.

Changing minds

Time and time again, I've changed my mind on so many things, so many times. Sometimes, these changes in my opinions surprise even myself. Things like leaving my old religion etc. This time is no different. I never thought that I'd ever consider going back to visit Singapore for a short stay. I was already anticipating coming back to study and just staying in Australia till I graduate before I head home. I wanted to save money on airfare and cherish whatever time I had left in Oz. But circumstances change. People fall sick.
I don't want to live with one more regret in this life. I regretted not being there for my grandfather before he passed on. Even though he was living in the same house as me and was bedbound, I didn't make it a point to go to his room and talk to him everyday. I remember at his funeral, I was just so angry at myself, for not having cared more. I mentally told myself I was going to do better with Ah Ma. I would take care of her and I would cherish my time with her. Yet, I got complacent again and I didn't do that last summer. Sure, now and then we'd have conversations, but they were short and I would rather be doing something else than hear her nag at me. But now, I'd give anything to hear her continue to nag at me. So I think this time, I will go back. Because life is unpredictable, and when her time comes, I don't want to feel the same regret I  did 6 years ago. I swore I wouldn't go back for for a short trip and that regardless of what happens in the family, I'd just rough it out here in Oz, but I'm going back on this. I don't want to be selfish.