Here's to the hearts that ache.
Here's to the mess we make."
- Audition (The Fools Who Dream), La La Land
Am I a sellout? Have I given up my dreams in return for material riches? Given up on my dreams so that I could get financial security in return? Sometimes I feel like I'm becoming an unfeeling monster who's sole purpose in life is to make lots of money and spend it on myself. I used to say that my motto in life was to create a positive impact on the lives of others around me. What happened to that girl? The girl who wanted to work with special needs children. Or just do pediatrics in general? I gave it all up for a scholarship. For job security. For money.
What have I become? A monster. Or am I just being me-the selfish, cold hearted person that I truly am. Could it be that the selfish me has always existed, but only wished to mask my true self with kindness and love. Signing that bond still haunts me. Was it the right decision to make? Should I have done something else that would allow me to do what I really dreamed about. Was it this dratted bond that caused everything to go downhill? Was it this darned bond that made my heart stone cold? Was this the thing that caused something inside of me to die a little? To begin to yearn for material riches. To turn bitter and push people away. To hate people for no reason at all.
I don't want to be bitter anymore. Maybe it's time I stopped focusing on myself, and time I began to focus on others. Maybe its time to create synthetic happiness in the circumstances that I cannot change.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
And wisdom to know the difference."
-Reinhold Niehbuhr
