Fall Apart

“Better not to give in to it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”

-Finnick Odair, Mockingjay

It's so hard. So hard to keep from falling apart, and so hard to pick myself up when I do.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of this sadness that overwhelms me, the stress of uni, of feeling tired and of life. Sometimes I wish this life would end already so that I don't have to carry on anymore. I will not take my own life (because then my parents will have to face the legal and financial implications of such an action), but I can't help wishing someone or something will take it for me.

Am I already in the bad place? Are all these barriers I face works of the demons that are meant to psychologically torture me? 

Purpose

What is the point of all this?
Why do I have to leave my present home for my ex-home - the place that has now been branded as a hell in my head? I'm not emotionally ready to go back and be confronted with the truth every single waking day of my life. To be reminded time and time again that my role in the family has taken a backseat, I am but a house guest. That my role in my friendships has changed. I am the outsider, the alien who doesn't understand everything that everyone is talking about. By people who won't understand how living abroad for 3 years changes you. They expect you to still be the same. But how can one be the same in an ever-changing world?
Why did I sign up for 10 years of hell? 10 years of slavery. I agreed to give away 4 years of my life to live away from home. In merely 3 years it has already led me to grow apart from everyone I used to know. It denied me the opportunity to stay with family when they needed me most. To miss numerous 21st birthdays, a funeral, and soon, to miss a wedding. What do I get in return for these 4 years? An iron-clad agreement to work in a place that will undoubtedly trigger all the sadness I currently carry, being surrounded by dying people for 6 years.
What was I thinking? Why did 19 year old me decide to do this? Oh right...."job stability".
Will I live to regret this?