And just like that, I'm halfway through my journey in achieving my degree.
This year has probably been one of the hardest years I've ever had. Not only did I have the regular academic load of a typical student, I also had to juggle my clinical placement responsibilities and work with real people, who have real problems. The gravity of those responsibilities made me tremble with nervousness every Sunday night. I was so scared that I would ruin real lives if I wasn't able to do my job adequately.
The results I got at the end of the first semester had me really shaken with fear, filled with disappointment and left me questioning my worth. What am I, if I'm not smart? All my life, if I could bank my hopes on one thing, it would be my academic success. It is the very thing that has even brought me to Australia to study. To be honest, I want to believe that my results in the first semester was a one-off incident. But as the second semester began to flood my timetable and impose a heavy load on my back, I can now say I am truly questioning that "intelligence" that I once thought I had. I am pretty sure I won't do as well as I had hoped to for this semester. What scares me more is whether I can do well in the next half of this programme. If I can't even do well in second year, what makes me think I can do better in 3rd and 4th year, when the topics will be even more complex? So many questions that I ask myself, but I don't even know if I want to hear the answers. Do I want to continue believing a lie I've told myself since I was 7, or accept the ugly truth and concede defeat?
My problems in the areas of academia were just the tip of the iceberg. Then I had problems in the social and emotional realms of my life. There was a lot of change happening and I couldn't handle it well. I couldn't regulate my emotions as well as I used to. I let my ugly side show and I felt a major throwback to 2009. It was as if life was saying to me, "You're forgetting the lessons you learnt in 2009. Here's a not so gentle reminder."
I was reminded that people can change overnight. That relationships can change in a moment. That trust can take mere seconds to break. That if I don't keep my guard up and trust people easily, the consequences can be excruciatingly painful. I was reminded that the world can be an ugly, cruel place. That the only way to stop feeling disappointment is to keep your expectations so low that it will definitely be met. I was reminded that I can't trust anyone. Because people are human and humans will fail you, in some way or another, just like how you can fail them, or fail yourself.
But in the midst of that mess, I have also learnt that the world can be a bad place, but it still has good. That just as how best friends can become strangers, strangers can become best friends. That every person is different, therefore, so is every friendship, so I can never recreate a friendship I once had with person A with person B. It has been a very long and arduous journey and I'm glad I'm here, out of the pit. At this point of time, I will admit that I do have regrets. I regret the mistakes I made, for those have changed the course of not just my life, but the lives of others. Who knows, maybe 5 years down the road, I will look back and think to myself that it was worth it. But I will never know for sure right now. I have come out of this year more guarded, more sad than happy and less hopeful.
