Faith and other things

If anyone asks me, I will tell them that I'm not a believer of any particular religion. If I'm not close to this person, or I am under the assumption that the person will begin a religious debate with me if he/she is not satisfied with my answer, I will say that I'm a free thinker. An agnostic. But truthfully? While I do identify as an agnostic, I also identify myself as an atheist. I don't usually tell people that because the last thing I want to do is spark a theological debate that can last for at least an hour. (Been there, done that.)

I was raised in a Christian family. For 18 years of my life, I went to church, worshipped the idea of god and Jesus. For a very long period of time I never questioned my religion. I never asked why are we doing all of this?  I was aware of the contradictions in the Bible, but I believed the slipshod excuses for these contradictions present. The message of one sermon could contradict another sermon and the lines were blurred sometimes, but I still followed nevertheless. I let confirmation bias rule my thoughts when it came to religion.

The questions begin to start when I was 17. Why are you doing this? What proof is there? Is this reason even valid?It was then that I began to feel that going to church was a chore. At that point of time, I had felt like "god" was no longer with me. I felt like what I was going through was what Christians would term a "dry season".  I began to dread it every week. And it was due to this dread, the lack of emotional highs, that I began to question everything I knew about Christianity.
I began to see that the circular debates and loopholed arguments for what they truly were. I began to see that emotions are easily manipulated and I couldn't trust my gut to tell me whether god was there or not. And so I left.

The second most common question asked to me when people learn that I left church (The most common one is: Why?) was this: How do you feel after leaving church? I felt both ecstatic and frightened. Ecstatic because I was no longer trapped in this mundane cycle that I detested and loathed. No longer bound by the rules of the religions I no longer believed in. But I felt frightened too. Having been raised in an environment that instilled in me the belief that non-believers go to hell, that notion stuck with me far longer than I wanted it to. I had nightmares of being the target of a witchhunt for backsliders. I spent so much time wondering if I was really going to hell. It took me a while to finally get that notion out of my head and I'm so relieved that it's finally gone.

That was a dark part of leaving, but overall, I'm glad for that nasty experience. Because it taught me empathy. Before that experience, I never believed that the environment one grew up in could affect a person to a large extent. When I read of cases of physical or sexual abuse in the newspapers and it was mentioned that the perpetrator had once been a victim, I would snub the fact that the perpetrator had the cheek to mention it. Despite his background, he should still obey the law. No matter what. But now I know, environment can really determine how a person behaves. I began to see how I used to behave as a Christian, aggressively trying to impose my values on others who were non believers. Trying to get people to convert to Christianity. It's such an embarrassing part of my life because I lacked respect for other religions and values. I lacked empathy for others. Now, I see how disrespectful my behaviour was. And I see how context really matters. Because the values you were raised in affect your behaviour. And when these values aren't congruent with the law, clashes will arise.

Decision making

  Just recently, I got myself a ticket for a solo trip. My first solo trip from start to finish, for my 21st birthday. I booked it on an airline that my parents don't have a very good impression of. As I already said, it's going to be a solo trip, something my parents aren't too keen on me doing. I know because I was almost going to do it during my 20th birthday, but they dissuaded me from doing it. I decided to listen to them, because the arguments they made then were logical and on hindsight, I think it was a good thing I didn't go. Half a year of living overseas has taught me so much more about planning trips, budgeting, getting used to cold climates etc. Had I gone during my 20th, I might have been ill-prepared for the trip.

  Initially, I was hesitant about booking it because I guess a part of me is still used to seeking approval from my parents before I do things. I asked my friends about the airline and I was just hesitating about booking the ticket.
Then, I talked to a friend and that conversation helped me realize that I have to stop seeking permission. I am an adult already. That means that the decision maker of my life is me. I have to stop seeking approval and getting other people to make decisions for me. From now on, decision making is my responsibility.

  So I readied myself to book. I filled in all the required details. I was apprehensive about clicking the "CHECKOUT" button. The thoughts: "Should I? Should I not?" kept popping up in my head. Then I took a deep breath, told myself "no regrets" and clicked the button.

  Hello, adulthood.

Language

I've noticed that society tends to have a negative view of using certain choice words. Words that, for some reason, cannot be used by children. Words that invoke a sudden silence once uttered. Expletives, vulgarities are just some of the words used to describe this category of words. But why are these couple of words, out of the hundreds and thousands of words deemed inappropriate for use? If language is a tool for one to express oneself, why is it that some parts of the tool cannot be used even when those parts are in perfect working condition? I have no qualms about using these so called "vulgarities" because I don't see them as taboo. I see them as words that I can use to express my emotions and states. I don't use them recklessly, for words carry meaning and I don't wish to commit multiple malapropisms. I choose my words carefully. I don't like to exaggerate, nor do I like to give unwarranted praise/criticism. But I mean my words. Every one of them. That could also be why people may think that I read into things too much. But it's just automatic.

But I digress. Yesterday, I was really frustrated with myself, stressed out and I said fuck. Which was normal. But what was weird was how my friends said, "That's the first time I heard you swear." But I don't understand. Why is it that this one word will cause my friends to stop and take notice(and silently disapprove), whereas other words are fine. Why do we criminalise words? What is the use of a tool if it cannot be maximised to its fullest potential?

So many questions, but I know I won't be getting many answers today. These questions aren't easy ones to answer. Because sometimes, there is no answer. Or the answer could very well be that these words are deemed taboo and nobody has dared to question them. Or those who did have not been able to convince the majority of society otherwise. 

That's just my two cents.