CNY

This year, I'm celebrating CNY away from home, out of Singapore for the first time in my life. And it dawned on me a few minutes ago that this CNY will be different, not just for me, but for the family back home. For starters, I don't even know if my dad's side is celebrating given my Ah Ma's passing. I didn't realise it until seconds ago, when my family asked me if I'm free to call them. Then I was gonna suggest next Monday and remembered that it's 初一on Tuesday and I figured, 初二would be a better time to call because they don't usually entertain guests on that day and they'd visit the niches of those who had passed. And this time, this includes Ah Ma. And it sucks. And now I'm reminded again that she's gone. I know I will continually be reminded of it but it stings because I don't see it coming when it happens.
I don't want to go back to Singapore. I don't ever want to go back to that conservative city-state filled with racist pricks and judgemental assholes. To have my entire life be scrutinized with a fine-tooth comb by every egoistical person who assumes they have a right to just because. I'm not prepared to go back and assimilate with such a society for 6 fucking years. I'm so done with it.
Is it truly better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all? Does that saying apply to living? Is it truly better that I got to have my worldviews broadened in Oz, to have had my Ah Ma in my life and have to leave Oz and have Ah Ma leave me? Would it have been better if I stayed in Singapore to study and not known Ah Ma? Would I have been happier with that ignorance?