Hurting and healing

I thought I was doing fine. I thought that I could speak about this freely, without any pain, resent or sorrow. But somehow, every couple of days or weeks, I get a fresh wound. I lasted for a couple of weeks, and today, I get another wound. It's smaller than the previous one, but it still hurts.
Maybe the motto "Don't give up." just so ingrained in me that I can't bear to end the friendship. Maybe it's the sunk-cost bias. After 4-ish years, it just doesn't seem right to throw away all the time I invested into this. But I know I need to stop.
You've made it pretty clear you want out of this, you don't want me to depend on you, you want me to keep my feelings to myself, or tell someone, just not you. Well these are my feelings. Feelings that I probably won't tell you because they are feelings, and I'm unlikely to act on them.
I want to move out. I want to get out of this house. I don't want to ever see you in my life again, be it in the instastory of our mutual friends, or in lectures, or even worse, in the same clinic group. I don't want to hear your name, or read it anywhere.
I am not hating on you. But, I just want to get away from you, so that I can try to forget. So that I will not be reminded each and every single day of my life here that we were once friends, it didn't work out, and now you hate me. No, I take that back. I don't want to make a false accusation. Maybe you don't hate me, but it sure does feel like it ever since you told me you found it weird to be friends after all that happened. Maybe you can continue to be civil to me and not pine after our lost friendship. But I can't. Believe me, I've tried. I can last for a few weeks maximum, but then something will just trigger me and I crumble. I will pine for that friendship that I invested too heavily in.
I wish I could be indifferent to you. I wish I gave zero fucks about what went on in your life. And I'm trying, but I can't do it now.
I want to make it clear that I'm not blaming you. It's not your fault I feel these feelings. It's not your fault when I cry. But it's my right to feel how I feel. I can't control it. And I'm not going surpress how I feel. I'm not gonna bottle them up.

Looking back, you're not the first person that I depended on more than I should have. Maybe it's my character flaw, something that I will take note of for future friendships. I'm fiercely loyal to the ones I truly love, but sometimes, I pick the wrong ones to care for. I pick the ones that don't reciprocate how I feel for them, and I get crushed. I'm hurting right now, but I am also healing. I am making mistakes, and I will learn from them. Or maybe I won't. Because sometimes, the ones I love fiercely do the same for me, and I don't want to shy away from a friendship that might potentially last for my entire lifetime. What you are is a reminder that sometimes, investments fail and that I just need to learn to move on from there and find other people that can care for me like how I do for them.