The screen flashes and then an image appears and stabilizes the lights.
"Hey. How are you?" I ask.
"Hello! We are alright, how are you?" my mother chirps.
I'm bad. I'm feel terrible. I spent one hour bawling on Saturday and another half an hour crying my eyes out today. In between, I've been falling asleep with tears streaming down my face.
Instead of saying any of this, I pull my lips up the sides of my cheeks, trying to manage a smile. "I'm alright," I reply.
"How's uni? Anything out of the ordinary happen?" my mother responds.
I've zoned out of lectures or my study sessions. My emotions change so fast, one minute I'm crying till my eyes go crimson and the next minute I'm laughing so hard my cheeks blush.
"Uni's fine. Nah, not much has happened. How's the fam?" I respond.
"We're alright. Really tired from today, cos we had to wake up early in the morning. Your dad's asleep. Anyway, would you be interested on going on a family trip with us in December? How do you feel about another trip?" my mum asks.
"Hm, I might be busy. I'll have to check back and let you know if I can make it. But if I can't, you guys go ahead," I say calmly.
Also last year I went on what is currently known as the worst trip in my life. I fell out with the so-called friends I went with during the trip, one of those people included my housemate. I contemplated moving out. I cried a lot because I felt so lonely in the aftermath of the chaos. I was petrified at the possibility I had no value as a human because people I thought I trusted actually chose to leave me. Around that point of time, I got dismal grades from uni and cried because I questioned if intelligence was still my thing. Prior to that, intelligence has always been my thing. That was what I was best at in the family. I topped my class during PSLE, I topped my class in JC. So after losing friends and receiving my grades, I was in the process of questioning my value as a human being.
"Alright. Keep me updated. You look tired. Have you been busy?"
"Yes, I've just had more uni today so it's been tiring."
And I probably look more tired than usual because I've been crying myself to sleep for the past 4 nights and well, I was wailing my heart out two hours before I called you. I'm still grieving. I don't know how to get better. I wanted to call to see your faces and hear your voices and I wanted to talk about how sad I am. I wanted to talk about the pain of losing Ah ma. I wanted to tell you how much I'm hurting. I want to tell you about how guilty I feel. For not being there during her last day. I wanted to tell you about how I just suddenly fall apart and break down, and how hard I try to keep myself from doing that in uni. How tiring it is to do it. I'm emotionally exhausted. I wanted to ask you to tell me how to make it go away. How can I stop crying. But seeing you now, I can't bring myself to say it. How do I tell you these things and not feel guilty about making you worry from far far away? I can't. So I'm swallowing these words, because the last thing you need is another burden on your shoulders. The last thing I want is for you to spend your hard earned money and waste your scarce amount of free time to visit me when you could be spending that money and time relaxing on a vacation that you are in such terrible need of. The past 5 months have been hard for you and dad, of this I am aware. As your oldest daughter, a legal adult, I know better than to make you worry for me. You don't need that.
"Ok, go get some rest. We'll talk another day?" she advises.
"Yup, ok mum. Bye mum, bye sis." I reply.
Wednesday, 22 August 2018
Tuesday, 21 August 2018
3
Today was the third day that I woke up from my sleep and realised that what happened on Saturday was not just a terrible dream, but rather, it is a living nightmare. The past 3 nights, I wish that when I wake up the next morning, I'll realise that the events of 18th August were but a dream. Often, I dream about the most ludicrous yet amazing things happening to me (like going to Shawn Mendes' concert, meeting people that I've always wanted to meet, going to Canada for placement), only to wake up and realise it was fake. That those things didn't happen. Why can't this be the same then? Why can't this terrible, horrible, god-awful event be but a part of a traumatic nightmare?
Sunday, 19 August 2018
The dark side of living abroad
It is so easy to flaunt the perks of overseas travel, or living overseas, be it for a few years, or for the bulk of your life. Everyone is so ready to tell you about the craziest adventure they've ever had and how you can do it too! Or tell you stories about how the culture of a land 8 hours away is so vastly different to your own. And while I acknowledge all these wonderful perks, living overseas is not a bed of roses.
No one tells you about the homesickness. I never thought it would bother me. "I'm a global citizen!" Or so I thought. But ever so often, I will get abruptly hit by a pang of nostalgia when something familiar happens to me. The other day, I was buying some things from the store and the cashier spoke to me in Mandarin. In that split second, I was back home, paying for something, conversing in Mandarin. But that moment was fleeting, it vanished almost as soon as it arrived. The after effects was the emotional realization that I'm not home anymore. Or when you're stressed out with university and you don't have your family around to cheer you on, or listen to you rant.
No one tells you about having to miss out on the celebrations and festivals you grew up with, the things you regard as a yearly tradition. You start to miss out on Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthday parties, Chinese New Year, Mooncake festival.
No one tells you about how the many friends you used to bet your life on will slowly vanish from your life. You begin to grow more and more distant and the person you once knew like the back of your hand, well, that person isn't the same anymore. Neither are you. Both of you have changed and for better or for worse, those changes take its toll on the friendship.
No one tells you about coping with the loss of a loved one from far away. No one tells you about the number of last minute flights your have to book (or the absolutely ludicrous prices of those flights) just to make sure you get to see the person you love before it's their time to leave the earth. No one tells you about the guilt you carry on your shoulders for not being there during that person's last breath, or how pathetic a video call feels. You don't feel fully there, because to the people on the other side of the screen, you are but a flat, 2 dimensional figure. Sometimes they forget you're on the other line, that you're trying to feel included by making all these calls, but failing miserably. No one tells you about the pain of losing a grandparent while being stuck in a place that is 8 hours away. No one mentions the fact that grief is a knife that stabs on your heart, being slowly twisted when you least expect it. No one tells you how to mourn alone. No one tells you how to cope without family.
No one tells you about the homesickness. I never thought it would bother me. "I'm a global citizen!" Or so I thought. But ever so often, I will get abruptly hit by a pang of nostalgia when something familiar happens to me. The other day, I was buying some things from the store and the cashier spoke to me in Mandarin. In that split second, I was back home, paying for something, conversing in Mandarin. But that moment was fleeting, it vanished almost as soon as it arrived. The after effects was the emotional realization that I'm not home anymore. Or when you're stressed out with university and you don't have your family around to cheer you on, or listen to you rant.
No one tells you about having to miss out on the celebrations and festivals you grew up with, the things you regard as a yearly tradition. You start to miss out on Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthday parties, Chinese New Year, Mooncake festival.
No one tells you about how the many friends you used to bet your life on will slowly vanish from your life. You begin to grow more and more distant and the person you once knew like the back of your hand, well, that person isn't the same anymore. Neither are you. Both of you have changed and for better or for worse, those changes take its toll on the friendship.
No one tells you about coping with the loss of a loved one from far away. No one tells you about the number of last minute flights your have to book (or the absolutely ludicrous prices of those flights) just to make sure you get to see the person you love before it's their time to leave the earth. No one tells you about the guilt you carry on your shoulders for not being there during that person's last breath, or how pathetic a video call feels. You don't feel fully there, because to the people on the other side of the screen, you are but a flat, 2 dimensional figure. Sometimes they forget you're on the other line, that you're trying to feel included by making all these calls, but failing miserably. No one tells you about the pain of losing a grandparent while being stuck in a place that is 8 hours away. No one mentions the fact that grief is a knife that stabs on your heart, being slowly twisted when you least expect it. No one tells you how to mourn alone. No one tells you how to cope without family.
Tuesday, 14 August 2018
Narration
She pull her ID card out of her pocket and taps the reader. Two seconds later, the tempered glass barrier opens and she strides past it. She walks to the lift, presses the up button and taps her left foot while she waits. A lift arrives, but alas, the people in the lift are packed like a can of sardines. A beeping sound emanates from the lift and the door closes. Once again, she presses the button, albeit with more force this time. Another lift arrives, and this time, to her relief, it is empty, save for two people. She steps in and presses the slightly faded '3' button. When it arrives at the 3rd storey, she steps out and is immediately bombarded with the sickly smell of antiseptic lotion, the sounds of people talking, beeps from heart monitor machines, the sight of so many people in different coloured uniforms. She knows the way by heart. Make a right, then a left, then a left, followed by yet another right, then keep walking to the end.
"Ah ma! Li ho bo?" she says, her voice half an octave higher than it usually is when she talks to most people.
"Wo buay soo hock. Ba dor jin tia," her grandma whispers.
"Li oo jiak yo bo? Oo gah lo kun gong bo?" she asks.
"Aiya, ga lokun gong, buay gong sio siang lah. Wo buay ho liao." her grandma whimpers, shaking her head. She closes her eyes and her head slides towards left shoulder.
She rearranges the blankets on the bed, and puts on four more heat packs on her grandma to keep her warm. Then, she pulls out her black laptop from her maroon haversack and begins to do her readings for her next class, which starts at 8am the next day.
When the clock strikes 9, she packs her things, rearranges the bed one last time and whispers in her grandma's ear “晚安。明天，我会来看你。” She treads out of the ward lightly, just as she has for the past 9 nights. A frown slowly forms on her face as she wonders how long she has to do this for. How long it will be before her grandma will be back home, with her and the rest of the family. Encountering the gantry again, she pulls out her ID card yet again, walking past the gates when they open. Her mouth widens into a yawn as she gets on the train home.
"Ah ma! Li ho bo?" she says, her voice half an octave higher than it usually is when she talks to most people.
"Wo buay soo hock. Ba dor jin tia," her grandma whispers.
"Li oo jiak yo bo? Oo gah lo kun gong bo?" she asks.
"Aiya, ga lokun gong, buay gong sio siang lah. Wo buay ho liao." her grandma whimpers, shaking her head. She closes her eyes and her head slides towards left shoulder.
She rearranges the blankets on the bed, and puts on four more heat packs on her grandma to keep her warm. Then, she pulls out her black laptop from her maroon haversack and begins to do her readings for her next class, which starts at 8am the next day.
When the clock strikes 9, she packs her things, rearranges the bed one last time and whispers in her grandma's ear “晚安。明天，我会来看你。” She treads out of the ward lightly, just as she has for the past 9 nights. A frown slowly forms on her face as she wonders how long she has to do this for. How long it will be before her grandma will be back home, with her and the rest of the family. Encountering the gantry again, she pulls out her ID card yet again, walking past the gates when they open. Her mouth widens into a yawn as she gets on the train home.
Sunday, 29 July 2018
Irreversibility
There's no turning back now.
Some decisions, especially the major life ones, can't be undone.
The simple ones are easy to undo, or if wrong, are relatively inconsequential. What to eat for lunch? What time should I meet my friends tomorrow? Should I bring my bottle with me? If you change your mind on the food you order, if you're fast enough, you can get it changed. If you don't bring your bottle and find yourself needing a drink, you can buy a new one. Little harm is done.
But the major life decisions, the ones of great consequence, are those that we can't easily undo. And that scares me. Because I chose one opportunity over the other, I don't know if I chose right. What if I made a mistake? I can't undo it.
Thoughts like these tend to fill my head, especially during exam periods, when I miss being with my family and friends back home. Did I make the right decision to move overseas? Because now, my heart cannot be in the two places that I love at once. Had I never left, I would have never known how it feels like to live overseas and experience a new culture. I would be content with my family and friends and the culture I grew up in. It would also mean I'd lack the insight that I've gained today, something I would regret not having. I'd have never met the friends I have now, the ones I call "fam". The ones I treat like family.
I know now that when I move back home, things will be different and I won't see things the same way again. I may not be content with my life when I go back, and I may never be content with my life for the rest of my life. It's a curse that I've bestowed on myself.
Some decisions, especially the major life ones, can't be undone.
The simple ones are easy to undo, or if wrong, are relatively inconsequential. What to eat for lunch? What time should I meet my friends tomorrow? Should I bring my bottle with me? If you change your mind on the food you order, if you're fast enough, you can get it changed. If you don't bring your bottle and find yourself needing a drink, you can buy a new one. Little harm is done.
But the major life decisions, the ones of great consequence, are those that we can't easily undo. And that scares me. Because I chose one opportunity over the other, I don't know if I chose right. What if I made a mistake? I can't undo it.
Thoughts like these tend to fill my head, especially during exam periods, when I miss being with my family and friends back home. Did I make the right decision to move overseas? Because now, my heart cannot be in the two places that I love at once. Had I never left, I would have never known how it feels like to live overseas and experience a new culture. I would be content with my family and friends and the culture I grew up in. It would also mean I'd lack the insight that I've gained today, something I would regret not having. I'd have never met the friends I have now, the ones I call "fam". The ones I treat like family.
I know now that when I move back home, things will be different and I won't see things the same way again. I may not be content with my life when I go back, and I may never be content with my life for the rest of my life. It's a curse that I've bestowed on myself.
Friday, 15 June 2018
What if: I moved out
A series of stories I will begin to write about my "what if" moments in life. Two roads diverged in the wood and I could only choose one. But...what would have happened if I picked the other? Where would I be? I guess I will never know, but it's always intriguing to imagine.
"It smells amazing!!!" Trisha said.
"Let's eat!" Jan said.
The girls tucked into their food, slurping heartily on their chicken curry noodles.
"OMG, the craziest thing happened to me today. So I was queuing for a free Boost, you know how I've been playing that game to get points for ages, yeah so I got a voucher. Anyways, I was queuing to get my free drink. Then this guy nearby is waiting and he keeps looking around and from my side eye, it looks like he's staring at me. Which was weird. Anyway, he suddenly asked me 'Hi, random question, but do you think my hair looks nice?' Like who the hell would ask that to a random stranger? Also, side note, it was eugh..."
"What? That's such a weirdo!"
"Yeah anyway I wasn't gonna diss his hair, cos he was a random stranger so I just said it looked alright. Then he proceeded to ask me 'How would you rate it on a scale of 1-10?' Dude...why the heck would you ask me that?"
"What a weird dude. Did you continue talking to him after that?"
"No, I just said IDK and looked at my phone and walked further away from him. After I got my drink, I left as quickly as possible."
"Now, my turn! I've got amazing news! My mum has decided not to come visit me this holiday, but instead, she'll use the money to pay for a trip for me to go to Melbourne to visit my best friend there!!!"
"That's amazing! Have you guys planned your trip yet?"
"Not yet. Do you have any recommendations? You've been there so many times!"
"Yes! I've got so many recommendations. And no, it's not that many times. I've only been there twice! Wait, I've got a list, let me find it for you."
The girls continued their conversation through the dinner. They laughed, then washed the dishes, all the while with Jan telling the story of how her sister's hair ended up being caught in a fan when she was kid. When they were done, they proceeded to Trisha's room to jam. They spent their time crooning to mainstream pop songs and sang their hearts out.
Before long, two hours had passed. Jan yawned and said, "It's getting late. I think I'll go to bed now. See you tomorrow! We're still on for Indian food right?"
"Definitely!"
"Definitely!"
"Night!"
"Good night!"
Wednesday, 23 May 2018
What if: I became a professional cook
A series of stories I will begin to write about my "what if" moments in life. Two roads diverged in the wood and I could only choose one. But...what would have happened if I picked the other? Where would I be? I guess I will never know, but it's always intriguing to imagine.
"Table 24, 1 steak! And 2 crabs for table 10!"
"Yes, chef!"
She turned to the fridge, grabbed a piece of marinated steak that had been resting on the tray for the past 2 hours and took it out. Then, she proceeded to pour a tablespoon of oil on a frying pan that had been sitting on the fire for a few minutes, waiting to hear the sizzling oil. In a few seconds, the pan began to sizzle and she put the steak in the pan. "Tsssssss!" it hissed. She shook the pan in a circular motion, and took a deep whiff of the satay marinade. Mmmmmm. It still smelt so good, even though she'd been cooking this almost everyday for the past 6 months. She took out the soft shell crabs that had been dipped into batter and gently lowered them into the pot of hot oil. It began to crackle and hiss angrily, as if warning her of the imminent splashes that were soon to happen. Deftly, she covered the pot let it continue to crackle and pop. She whipped out a pair of metal tongs and flipped the steak to the other side, hearing the angry sizzles from the pan as she did it. As it cooked, she began to hear the deep fryer quieten down. There it was! Her cue to open the pan. She did so, and pulled up the tray of fried crabs, leaving them to drain above the fryer. Now, onto the beef. Using the tongs, she put it on the black embellished plate and passed it to the other commis in the kitchen. "Table 24, 1 steak!" Once the plate was out of her hand, she took a large stride towards the fryer, her right arm grabbing a large metal dish and her left end wielding the tongs, as she fished out the fried crabs and put them on the plate. "Table 10, 2 crabs." she shouted.
The orders kept coming. Chickens, crabs, shrimp, she had to cook them all. At last, all the diners were out the door and the kitchen was closed for the day. She rested her hips against the stainless steel counter top and took a long gulp of water from her orange bottle. She enjoyed her day, but she was tired. With 6 day work weeks and being out of her house for 12 hours per day, being a line cook was no easy job. She enjoyed this, or at least, she thought she did. Cooking had always been something that gave her joy and being paid to cook and not have to clean up was pretty much her dream. But the long hours were having its toll on her. She thought back to the conversation she'd just had with her father last night.
"All I'm saying is, you can just submit an application and see how it goes!" he pleaded.
"What I am saying is that I know what the result will be! I know I can get into those courses they offer. But what for? I don't even want to do those courses. I want to be a chef. I'm already getting one step closer. I don't need university to become a chef, " she huffed.
"But you need a degree to prepare you for the workplace!" he exclaimed, as if it were a fact of life.
"Prepare me for what? What workplace do you have in mind? A 9-5, office job? I have said SO many times, I DON'T WANT IT! If I want to continue studying, I'll go to CULINARY SCHOOL!" she nearly shouted.
"Go talk to her," he said to his wife, clearly exhausted from the debate.
"Your dad just wants what's best for you," her mother says gently.
"And I thought you said you didn't care what I did, as long as I was happy," she retorted.
She removed her apron, grabbed her haversack, and began her walk to the train station, tonight, her parents would be home and she silently prayed to the universe that they would be asleep by the time she got back.
"Table 24, 1 steak! And 2 crabs for table 10!"
"Yes, chef!"
She turned to the fridge, grabbed a piece of marinated steak that had been resting on the tray for the past 2 hours and took it out. Then, she proceeded to pour a tablespoon of oil on a frying pan that had been sitting on the fire for a few minutes, waiting to hear the sizzling oil. In a few seconds, the pan began to sizzle and she put the steak in the pan. "Tsssssss!" it hissed. She shook the pan in a circular motion, and took a deep whiff of the satay marinade. Mmmmmm. It still smelt so good, even though she'd been cooking this almost everyday for the past 6 months. She took out the soft shell crabs that had been dipped into batter and gently lowered them into the pot of hot oil. It began to crackle and hiss angrily, as if warning her of the imminent splashes that were soon to happen. Deftly, she covered the pot let it continue to crackle and pop. She whipped out a pair of metal tongs and flipped the steak to the other side, hearing the angry sizzles from the pan as she did it. As it cooked, she began to hear the deep fryer quieten down. There it was! Her cue to open the pan. She did so, and pulled up the tray of fried crabs, leaving them to drain above the fryer. Now, onto the beef. Using the tongs, she put it on the black embellished plate and passed it to the other commis in the kitchen. "Table 24, 1 steak!" Once the plate was out of her hand, she took a large stride towards the fryer, her right arm grabbing a large metal dish and her left end wielding the tongs, as she fished out the fried crabs and put them on the plate. "Table 10, 2 crabs." she shouted.
The orders kept coming. Chickens, crabs, shrimp, she had to cook them all. At last, all the diners were out the door and the kitchen was closed for the day. She rested her hips against the stainless steel counter top and took a long gulp of water from her orange bottle. She enjoyed her day, but she was tired. With 6 day work weeks and being out of her house for 12 hours per day, being a line cook was no easy job. She enjoyed this, or at least, she thought she did. Cooking had always been something that gave her joy and being paid to cook and not have to clean up was pretty much her dream. But the long hours were having its toll on her. She thought back to the conversation she'd just had with her father last night.
"All I'm saying is, you can just submit an application and see how it goes!" he pleaded.
"What I am saying is that I know what the result will be! I know I can get into those courses they offer. But what for? I don't even want to do those courses. I want to be a chef. I'm already getting one step closer. I don't need university to become a chef, " she huffed.
"But you need a degree to prepare you for the workplace!" he exclaimed, as if it were a fact of life.
"Prepare me for what? What workplace do you have in mind? A 9-5, office job? I have said SO many times, I DON'T WANT IT! If I want to continue studying, I'll go to CULINARY SCHOOL!" she nearly shouted.
"Go talk to her," he said to his wife, clearly exhausted from the debate.
"Your dad just wants what's best for you," her mother says gently.
"And I thought you said you didn't care what I did, as long as I was happy," she retorted.
She removed her apron, grabbed her haversack, and began her walk to the train station, tonight, her parents would be home and she silently prayed to the universe that they would be asleep by the time she got back.
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