Reckless

I wrote a monologue
Detailing the things
That I wished to say
But I didn't
Couldn't
Wouldn't

I thought honesty was key
But everyone tells me
The truth is hard to take
The truth that I wished to say
Was not something I should ever say
Without considering
The consequences

Oh but the reckless me
Says to just try and see
Where this will go

Yet rational me
says don't
it won't
go very well.

So I guess I shall see
Rational or reckless
Which side of me
Will prevail

Right place, wrong time, or so I thought

16 November 2016

So we meet again, again and again. I see you on three occasions and only say hi on the second time. It's a little too late. I can't help thinking what might have happened if I said hi to you the first time. What we could have become. But alas, I was too late. Because the second time, which was 5 months later, you had already started seeing someone. And I won't do anything because I know I shouldn't.

We're in the right place, but at the wrong time. When I saw you again, my heart sank. Because just as I was going to say hi, you left. You didn't notice me standing there. Bad timing.

Maybe it's a sign from the universe, telling me that it's not meant to be. Or a life lesson. A lesson that I need to learn the hard way. That I am enough for myself. That I need to love myself first. But it baffles me. I thought I'd already learnt to embrace myself for who I am. So why is this occurring?

Friends? Sure. I'd want that. I guess. Better than nothing.

26 January 2017

So you've ended things with her, but you've made it pretty clear to me you're not interested. Now I know, timing isn't the problem. Yet you still do things that could possibly lead me on if I wasn't sharp enough to spot the signs that tell me otherwise. And I know I'm reading the signs right. You're not interested. But you don't seem to be aware that sometimes, the things you do...it makes me doubt the signs I see. No, rather, you make me wish I could doubt the signs I see. You make me wish I wasn't right. But I know, what I want isn't going to happen. And I'm trying to accept that emotionally. Trying to move on. And just be friends.

Going "home"

'Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.'

- Dorothy, The Wizard of Oz 

  I'm going home, was what I thought before I sat on that flight. And then I arrived in my home country, and god, there was so much to take in. The sight of things that used to be familiar, new things that I'd never seen before, the changes in the house. It just didn't feel right any more. It didn't feel like home. For the first few days, I missed Australia. I missed the routines that I had created in the past 9.5 months. I had a culture shock coming home. Which sounds ridiculous, I know. But it's true. I felt a legitimate shock at how things worked here. There was a gap in the knowledge I had about how things worked here and the reality of how things worked in the country I was born and raised in.
  So many things remained the same, but they all felt different to me. The height of the drawers, the sound of the card machines on the buses, the frequency of trains arriving at a station, the density of people in a shopping mall. I just wasn't used to it.
  When someone said "home", I thought of my house in Australia and not the one in Singapore. I was surprised that after nine months, I could replace the home I knew for 19 years with the house I hd lived in for 9 and a half months, but I have already done so. And after arriving in Singapore, being exposed to the changes that had occurred within me and the country, I don't really feel home anymore. I'm slightly more comfortable here, but I have to admit that I don't feel like this is home completely.
  Thankfully, I have a number of friendships that require low maintenance, so it hasn't been hard to meet up with my friends and reconnect. But everytime we do meet, I always feel a gap. Because it's already been three-quarters of a year that I've been away. There's so much that has happened in my life that I can't translate using words alone. To use W's words, it feels like my life overseas happened in an alternate universe and no one else from here can fully understand what it's like. To quote Chelsea Fagan, "You cannot be in two places at once." I can only choose to be in one place at one time and it feels like my relationship with my first home is growing distant. It's disheartening to see it happen but I would choose this over being overly attached to my first home and not making the most of the life I have in my second home. I'm starting to feel the bitterness that D warned me about and to be honest, I don't mind it at all. A part of me thinks that being bitter about this place will allow me to feel better when I'm back in Australia. So that I don't feel jealous when I miss out on the things happening here.

Reality

If I don't speak, will my thoughts cease to exist?
If I choose not to vocalize my emotions, is it possible that my feelings can be forgotten more easily?
What happens if I speak out?
What happens when I let my feelings out?
Am I better off staying silent?

Best song to describe my current mood

Empathy

Empathy. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as the ability to share someone else's feelings.

     I want to be an empathetic person. But sometimes, I find it hard to take the view of someone else, especially when I don't agree with that person's opinions. For example, the debate on equal rights for LGBTQ+, or pro-choice vs pro-life. I will proudly declare that I am an advocate for equal rights for those in the LGBTQ+ community and I am pro-choice. 

     Of course, I understand that there are people who don't advocate for the LGBTQ+ community (not that they're against equal rights, but they're in a neutral position) or those who are pro-life. I find it hard to take their stand. To empathize with them. 

     I believe that it's alright to hold your views as long as you don't impose them on other people. But sometimes there's the issue that some people believe you should impose your beliefs on others and others who disagree. So how exactly can I live my life and be respectful of the different views of others? 

     How can I be empathetic? Am I empathetic enough? My mind's a mess right now.

Parenting

Recently, my friends and I were having a discussion on having children and adoption. Two of my friends asked me, on separate occasions, if I didn't get married, would I consider adoption. For a moment, I was puzzled. I don't see marriage and adoption as mutually exclusive dichotomies. Thus, I was perplexed by the way the question was phrased. But I had to remind myself that many people still hold conservative values and believe that raising their own flesh and blood is preferable to raising someone else's child.
A part of me does not want to be a parent. I have written extensively on this subject in my journals. The world is such a messed up place with terrible things happening everywhere. Why on earth would I want to bring another life into misery? Why would I want to subject another being to the dangers lurking the earth? Why would I want to raise a girl in a society that will bombard her with the message that she will never be enough, that she is nothing but a sexual object, that she will be blamed if she falls victim to some kind of sexual assault? Why would I want to raise a boy in a society that tells him he cannot express his feelings freely, that he has to be physically stronger than girls and that he needs to earn more money than girls? Why would I want to raise children in a society that imposes gender roles on them, discriminates people for the pigments in their skin and tells them that life is unfair, they just have to accept it?
I know, far too well, that I do not want to have my own biological children. But lately, I have been contemplating adoption. Because despite how I feel about raising children, I love children. I love spending time with them and teaching them things. It's complicated. I don't want to have my own children because I think I'd love them too much to put them through this screwed up world. But a child without a parent is another story. This child is already in this world. This child should be raised in a loving supportive environment in order for this child to have the best outcomes in life.
But even then, will I be able to make a good parent? And what exactly is a good parent? What values do I wish to impart to my child? There's still so many things I need to consider.