Life is unpredictable. We will never know when is that moment that we die. Some people get a glimpse of it, some don't. And most of us, don't like to pursue this train of thought about our death. Think about it. I challenge you. Confront the reality that someday, you will die. That you have no clue when. It might be today, next week, or maybe next month. You won't know. You may not have the peaceful death, lying in your bed surrounded by your loved ones that you wish for. Who knows, you might die while walking across the road, getting knocked down by a car.
It's scary to think about death sometimes. For me, it's not so much how I will die that scares me. Rather, it's what happens after I die that worries me. After this life is over, what meaning will this life have to the people left behind? It sounds strange now that I'm saying it, but I realize that when I die, I want to be immortalized in the memory of people. I want this life to have some meaning. I want to have made a difference. But the truth is, I don't know if it will. Maybe my family and friends will mourn for me, but then what? Soon enough, they will reach the termination of their lives too. Within a generation or two, any memory of me will likely be wiped away from the surface of this earth.
Then what is this for? What is all of this for? I used to say that I believed that we created the meaning of our lives. That we decided our own purposes and lived to fulfill it. That my motto was to make a positive impact on the lives of the others around me. And maybe I can do that. But that impact, however great it is, is ephemeral. Is it worth it then?
Friday, 28 July 2017
Wednesday, 26 July 2017
Why am I here?
What is my purpose here? Why am I doing this course? Why am I here, in this foreign land, studying speech pathology? These are the questions that have been echoing inside my head, haunting me for the past few weeks.
For starters, I didn't do as well as I had expected for Y2S1. My final grades did not meet the goals that I had set and it made me feel terrible with myself, because grades are something that have a rather important role in my identity. I used to think that doing well academically was one of my strengths, but my recent grades have shaken that belief and I'm worried I can't do well academically anymore. What other strengths do I have, if not my grades? I fear that the answer to that question is nothing and I cannot accept that. I'm supposed to be the "smart" one, the one that does well. If I'm not that, what am I? Stupid, useless and a parasite to society?
Then, there's my current performance in the profession I'm to undertake for the next 8.5 years. I conducted my first therapy session on Monday. For the first time in my life, I had to work with real clients, not the standardised patients that I had been practising with. My experience was...well, something that requires more than one adjective to describe. Firstly, it was daunting to plan a therapy session for clients that I have yet to meet. Without having a clue of their interests or how they were as people, I had to plan and prepare for a 45 minute session with them. Already with just the therapy plans I had written, I received so much feedback from my Clinical Educator (CE) on what I had to work on. There's so much room for improvement. In other words, so many areas that I'm lacking in. I guess that is something I accepted pretty readily. After all, different CEs have different preferences and I can always learn to adopt a different writing style.
But the greatest obstacle lay in carrying out the therapy session. After conducting the session and receiving feedback from my CE, my confidence in my skills as a therapist was shattered. My guilt as a student clinician engulfed me. There were so many areas that I was doing terribly in. So many things that I was doing wrong. I don't feel qualified to work with clients yet, but I have to in order to get practice in the skills I need. My clients are going to be on the receiving end of the trial and error phase of a student. I feel inadequate to conduct therapy. What if the sessions I conduct have absolutely no effect on my clients and my sessions with them are an utter waste of time? These are real people and I'm dealing with them and their lives. If I mess up, I'm going to screw them up(at worst) or waste all their time(at best).
Why am I here? What if I'm not cut out to be a speech pathologist? What if this isn't right for me? I am petrified that I will fail the clinical section of this course. I truly am. I lie in my bed at night shaking, just thinking, "How am I ever going to manage being a professional speech therapist when I'm struggling so much as a student therapist?". I am terrified of failing this course, of having to go back home carrying my shame and a huge debt to repay. I don't see a way out of this and I'm really frightened that I screw up the lives of my clients, fail this course, then screw up the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm already in a living hell. And suicide won't fix this, because that just means my parents will be bogged down with the debt that I had incurred and there won't be any life insurance payouts. Why am I here? Why?
For starters, I didn't do as well as I had expected for Y2S1. My final grades did not meet the goals that I had set and it made me feel terrible with myself, because grades are something that have a rather important role in my identity. I used to think that doing well academically was one of my strengths, but my recent grades have shaken that belief and I'm worried I can't do well academically anymore. What other strengths do I have, if not my grades? I fear that the answer to that question is nothing and I cannot accept that. I'm supposed to be the "smart" one, the one that does well. If I'm not that, what am I? Stupid, useless and a parasite to society?
Then, there's my current performance in the profession I'm to undertake for the next 8.5 years. I conducted my first therapy session on Monday. For the first time in my life, I had to work with real clients, not the standardised patients that I had been practising with. My experience was...well, something that requires more than one adjective to describe. Firstly, it was daunting to plan a therapy session for clients that I have yet to meet. Without having a clue of their interests or how they were as people, I had to plan and prepare for a 45 minute session with them. Already with just the therapy plans I had written, I received so much feedback from my Clinical Educator (CE) on what I had to work on. There's so much room for improvement. In other words, so many areas that I'm lacking in. I guess that is something I accepted pretty readily. After all, different CEs have different preferences and I can always learn to adopt a different writing style.
But the greatest obstacle lay in carrying out the therapy session. After conducting the session and receiving feedback from my CE, my confidence in my skills as a therapist was shattered. My guilt as a student clinician engulfed me. There were so many areas that I was doing terribly in. So many things that I was doing wrong. I don't feel qualified to work with clients yet, but I have to in order to get practice in the skills I need. My clients are going to be on the receiving end of the trial and error phase of a student. I feel inadequate to conduct therapy. What if the sessions I conduct have absolutely no effect on my clients and my sessions with them are an utter waste of time? These are real people and I'm dealing with them and their lives. If I mess up, I'm going to screw them up(at worst) or waste all their time(at best).
Why am I here? What if I'm not cut out to be a speech pathologist? What if this isn't right for me? I am petrified that I will fail the clinical section of this course. I truly am. I lie in my bed at night shaking, just thinking, "How am I ever going to manage being a professional speech therapist when I'm struggling so much as a student therapist?". I am terrified of failing this course, of having to go back home carrying my shame and a huge debt to repay. I don't see a way out of this and I'm really frightened that I screw up the lives of my clients, fail this course, then screw up the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm already in a living hell. And suicide won't fix this, because that just means my parents will be bogged down with the debt that I had incurred and there won't be any life insurance payouts. Why am I here? Why?
Sunday, 23 July 2017
A letter to somebody I used to know
Dear _,
I'm afraid we've reached the point of no return. The point where everything that has been building up for the past few years will come to naught. It's over. There isn't anything left to fix, because our friendship is beyond repair. At least, I think it's beyond repair. I already see it as a sunk cost, like a car that's been written off. And I don't wish to start over.
I think it's fair to say that we both tried to make it work. And for a while, it did. But then, this semester, everything began going downhill. What we did isn't working anymore. We've changed and grew apart. You said you valued our friendship. But I don't think so. Actions speak far louder than words, and all I heard was silence. I wish it could be better. I wish we could both just say sorry and move on. But this state of things requires far more than two "sorry"s to fix. Honestly, I don't even think it can be fixed. I don't want to try anymore. I'm done trying. You may say I'm being selfish. And maybe I am. But I can't try anymore. I can't trust you anymore.
To see our friendship end hurts me. Maybe more than it will ever hurt you. I will never know. I let you into my house, but you've only ever accommodated me at your porch. You know my every emotion so well, you can tell exactly how I feel with every small action I make, yet I hardly know what is going on with you.
You probably don't know what's it like to be hurt, have trust issues, swear never to let anyone in, then meet someone who makes you believe in people again, only to have them hurt you. Well then, let me tell you, it's similar to feeling like a fool for knocking into the same glass door everyday even though you take the exact same route to school everyday, but way more intense.
I give too much of myself, too fast, and often to the wrong person. To a person who will never reciprocate. To a person who doesn't care for it as much. Relationships are never 50/50, and stupid me is always the one giving 60, 70 or even 80.
I don't know why I said I was going to move. I don't think I'm in greater wrong than you. I don't see why I should be the one moving. I'm just so fucking unhappy here. But you, you probably don't give a fuck how I feel.
I'm afraid we've reached the point of no return. The point where everything that has been building up for the past few years will come to naught. It's over. There isn't anything left to fix, because our friendship is beyond repair. At least, I think it's beyond repair. I already see it as a sunk cost, like a car that's been written off. And I don't wish to start over.
I think it's fair to say that we both tried to make it work. And for a while, it did. But then, this semester, everything began going downhill. What we did isn't working anymore. We've changed and grew apart. You said you valued our friendship. But I don't think so. Actions speak far louder than words, and all I heard was silence. I wish it could be better. I wish we could both just say sorry and move on. But this state of things requires far more than two "sorry"s to fix. Honestly, I don't even think it can be fixed. I don't want to try anymore. I'm done trying. You may say I'm being selfish. And maybe I am. But I can't try anymore. I can't trust you anymore.
To see our friendship end hurts me. Maybe more than it will ever hurt you. I will never know. I let you into my house, but you've only ever accommodated me at your porch. You know my every emotion so well, you can tell exactly how I feel with every small action I make, yet I hardly know what is going on with you.
You probably don't know what's it like to be hurt, have trust issues, swear never to let anyone in, then meet someone who makes you believe in people again, only to have them hurt you. Well then, let me tell you, it's similar to feeling like a fool for knocking into the same glass door everyday even though you take the exact same route to school everyday, but way more intense.
I give too much of myself, too fast, and often to the wrong person. To a person who will never reciprocate. To a person who doesn't care for it as much. Relationships are never 50/50, and stupid me is always the one giving 60, 70 or even 80.
I don't know why I said I was going to move. I don't think I'm in greater wrong than you. I don't see why I should be the one moving. I'm just so fucking unhappy here. But you, you probably don't give a fuck how I feel.
Wednesday, 10 May 2017
Social constructs
Everything is a social construct. So say some. But I'd say, many things are social constructs.
I came across this video the other day and I was just disturbed by it on so many levels.
1. The fact that people actually are identifying as transracial, transage, transpecies, transdisabled. I find it ridiculous. Like, that is just weird.
2. I have to admit, the parallel with all these trans-everything and transgender is there. From a logical point of view, if we allow one, then it's illogical to ban the rest.
3. I just didn't like how this video was against transgenderism because I feel that it's a personal choice. I have some pretty complex feelings about trangenderism but that's for another post.
Undeniably, there is a parallel between all the trans- mentioned. I just couldn't unravel the argument to see if there was a loophole. I was just so unsure of what to feel. Because I don't condone transgenderism, but I found the rest utterly ridiculous.
I spoke to my friend about this and she said something that really made a lot of sense and I had an "aha" moment right there. The basic gist of it was, "You're accepting of transgenders only because you've been exposed to this idea. You've already been aware of this idea for a while and you've accepted it, that's why it seems fine to you. On the other hand, if you look at your grandparents, they don't even have a word for transgenders in their dialect because they've never been exposed to this idea. So if you tell them about it, they will find it ridiculous. And all the transage etc, who knows, if you get more and more used to this idea if it keeps popping up, someday it's going be normal to you, or maybe the next generation."
And that was a wonderful resolution. I didn't have to wrack my brain for resolution. This argument had been resolved.
But then, another question popped up. If this is how society works, whereby we accept ideas that we've been exposed to, how are we supposed to act? What becomes of morality? If everything is made up of social constructs, wouldn't that be the same for right and wrong? The right thing and wrong thing to do can change over time and you need to be relevant in order to do what's right. Someday, murder might be the right thing to do. What is the meaning of all this then? What does it matter how I live this life, how I make decisions and what beliefs I hold when social constructs, change and exposure will influence how my opinions, and these opinions can and may change drastically over time. What then?
1. The fact that people actually are identifying as transracial, transage, transpecies, transdisabled. I find it ridiculous. Like, that is just weird.
2. I have to admit, the parallel with all these trans-everything and transgender is there. From a logical point of view, if we allow one, then it's illogical to ban the rest.
3. I just didn't like how this video was against transgenderism because I feel that it's a personal choice. I have some pretty complex feelings about trangenderism but that's for another post.
Undeniably, there is a parallel between all the trans- mentioned. I just couldn't unravel the argument to see if there was a loophole. I was just so unsure of what to feel. Because I don't condone transgenderism, but I found the rest utterly ridiculous.
I spoke to my friend about this and she said something that really made a lot of sense and I had an "aha" moment right there. The basic gist of it was, "You're accepting of transgenders only because you've been exposed to this idea. You've already been aware of this idea for a while and you've accepted it, that's why it seems fine to you. On the other hand, if you look at your grandparents, they don't even have a word for transgenders in their dialect because they've never been exposed to this idea. So if you tell them about it, they will find it ridiculous. And all the transage etc, who knows, if you get more and more used to this idea if it keeps popping up, someday it's going be normal to you, or maybe the next generation."
And that was a wonderful resolution. I didn't have to wrack my brain for resolution. This argument had been resolved.
But then, another question popped up. If this is how society works, whereby we accept ideas that we've been exposed to, how are we supposed to act? What becomes of morality? If everything is made up of social constructs, wouldn't that be the same for right and wrong? The right thing and wrong thing to do can change over time and you need to be relevant in order to do what's right. Someday, murder might be the right thing to do. What is the meaning of all this then? What does it matter how I live this life, how I make decisions and what beliefs I hold when social constructs, change and exposure will influence how my opinions, and these opinions can and may change drastically over time. What then?
Monday, 6 February 2017
Foolish
"Here's to the ones who dream, foolish as they may seem.
Here's to the hearts that ache.
Here's to the mess we make."
- Audition (The Fools Who Dream), La La Land
Am I a sellout? Have I given up my dreams in return for material riches? Given up on my dreams so that I could get financial security in return? Sometimes I feel like I'm becoming an unfeeling monster who's sole purpose in life is to make lots of money and spend it on myself. I used to say that my motto in life was to create a positive impact on the lives of others around me. What happened to that girl? The girl who wanted to work with special needs children. Or just do pediatrics in general? I gave it all up for a scholarship. For job security. For money.
What have I become? A monster. Or am I just being me-the selfish, cold hearted person that I truly am. Could it be that the selfish me has always existed, but only wished to mask my true self with kindness and love. Signing that bond still haunts me. Was it the right decision to make? Should I have done something else that would allow me to do what I really dreamed about. Was it this dratted bond that caused everything to go downhill? Was it this darned bond that made my heart stone cold? Was this the thing that caused something inside of me to die a little? To begin to yearn for material riches. To turn bitter and push people away. To hate people for no reason at all.
I don't want to be bitter anymore. Maybe it's time I stopped focusing on myself, and time I began to focus on others. Maybe its time to create synthetic happiness in the circumstances that I cannot change.
Here's to the hearts that ache.
Here's to the mess we make."
- Audition (The Fools Who Dream), La La Land
Am I a sellout? Have I given up my dreams in return for material riches? Given up on my dreams so that I could get financial security in return? Sometimes I feel like I'm becoming an unfeeling monster who's sole purpose in life is to make lots of money and spend it on myself. I used to say that my motto in life was to create a positive impact on the lives of others around me. What happened to that girl? The girl who wanted to work with special needs children. Or just do pediatrics in general? I gave it all up for a scholarship. For job security. For money.
What have I become? A monster. Or am I just being me-the selfish, cold hearted person that I truly am. Could it be that the selfish me has always existed, but only wished to mask my true self with kindness and love. Signing that bond still haunts me. Was it the right decision to make? Should I have done something else that would allow me to do what I really dreamed about. Was it this dratted bond that caused everything to go downhill? Was it this darned bond that made my heart stone cold? Was this the thing that caused something inside of me to die a little? To begin to yearn for material riches. To turn bitter and push people away. To hate people for no reason at all.
I don't want to be bitter anymore. Maybe it's time I stopped focusing on myself, and time I began to focus on others. Maybe its time to create synthetic happiness in the circumstances that I cannot change.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
And wisdom to know the difference."
-Reinhold Niehbuhr
Thursday, 26 January 2017
Reckless
I wrote a monologue
Detailing the things
That I wished to say
But I didn't
Couldn't
Wouldn't
I thought honesty was key
But everyone tells me
The truth is hard to take
The truth that I wished to say
Was not something I should ever say
Without considering
The consequences
Oh but the reckless me
Says to just try and see
Where this will go
Yet rational me
says don't
it won't
go very well.
So I guess I shall see
Rational or reckless
Which side of me
Will prevail
Detailing the things
That I wished to say
But I didn't
Couldn't
Wouldn't
I thought honesty was key
But everyone tells me
The truth is hard to take
The truth that I wished to say
Was not something I should ever say
Without considering
The consequences
Oh but the reckless me
Says to just try and see
Where this will go
Yet rational me
says don't
it won't
go very well.
So I guess I shall see
Rational or reckless
Which side of me
Will prevail
Right place, wrong time, or so I thought
16 November 2016
So we meet again, again and again. I see you on three occasions and only say hi on the second time. It's a little too late. I can't help thinking what might have happened if I said hi to you the first time. What we could have become. But alas, I was too late. Because the second time, which was 5 months later, you had already started seeing someone. And I won't do anything because I know I shouldn't.
We're in the right place, but at the wrong time. When I saw you again, my heart sank. Because just as I was going to say hi, you left. You didn't notice me standing there. Bad timing.
Maybe it's a sign from the universe, telling me that it's not meant to be. Or a life lesson. A lesson that I need to learn the hard way. That I am enough for myself. That I need to love myself first. But it baffles me. I thought I'd already learnt to embrace myself for who I am. So why is this occurring?
Friends? Sure. I'd want that. I guess. Better than nothing.
26 January 2017
So you've ended things with her, but you've made it pretty clear to me you're not interested. Now I know, timing isn't the problem. Yet you still do things that could possibly lead me on if I wasn't sharp enough to spot the signs that tell me otherwise. And I know I'm reading the signs right. You're not interested. But you don't seem to be aware that sometimes, the things you do...it makes me doubt the signs I see. No, rather, you make me wish I could doubt the signs I see. You make me wish I wasn't right. But I know, what I want isn't going to happen. And I'm trying to accept that emotionally. Trying to move on. And just be friends.
So we meet again, again and again. I see you on three occasions and only say hi on the second time. It's a little too late. I can't help thinking what might have happened if I said hi to you the first time. What we could have become. But alas, I was too late. Because the second time, which was 5 months later, you had already started seeing someone. And I won't do anything because I know I shouldn't.
We're in the right place, but at the wrong time. When I saw you again, my heart sank. Because just as I was going to say hi, you left. You didn't notice me standing there. Bad timing.
Maybe it's a sign from the universe, telling me that it's not meant to be. Or a life lesson. A lesson that I need to learn the hard way. That I am enough for myself. That I need to love myself first. But it baffles me. I thought I'd already learnt to embrace myself for who I am. So why is this occurring?
Friends? Sure. I'd want that. I guess. Better than nothing.
26 January 2017
So you've ended things with her, but you've made it pretty clear to me you're not interested. Now I know, timing isn't the problem. Yet you still do things that could possibly lead me on if I wasn't sharp enough to spot the signs that tell me otherwise. And I know I'm reading the signs right. You're not interested. But you don't seem to be aware that sometimes, the things you do...it makes me doubt the signs I see. No, rather, you make me wish I could doubt the signs I see. You make me wish I wasn't right. But I know, what I want isn't going to happen. And I'm trying to accept that emotionally. Trying to move on. And just be friends.
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