Bitter

Not really home anymore.

5 minutes prior to this, my sisters made plans to have dinner together. Without me. Even though I was in the very same room, close enough to hear every word being said.
I thought I was done with this feeling of being left out. I've been left out of so many things, so many times, I thought I'd be used to this. But I guess I didn't cos I expected more from my sisters. Of all people, even family disappoints. I've been so heavily disappointed by people I thought were friends all my life, but now even my sisters don't want me to go along.
Even if they do ask, I'm an afterthought. It's like a oh, you're free too? But if it's supposed to be 3 of us, and one of them can't make it, the whole plan is cancelled. I guess I'm not interesting enough to warrant spending time over a meal with. Maybe there really is something wrong with me.

Endings and Beginnings

If I had to sum up all the life lessons the past year has taught me, boil it down and condense it to one sentence, it would be this: "Life is unpredictable." Three words, but its meaning runs deep. 

"I love you."

"I hate you." 

"This is goodbye. "

Three simple words can have so much power. Words can damage things the very second they are uttered. 

This year, I have had all my assumptions, predictions and beliefs challenged like never before. I have learnt that three hundred and sixty five days is more than enough time for your hopes to be shattered and your life to be turned upside down. In just a year, I have had my aspirations for myself trampled on in front of my very eyes and I've lost my faith in humans. 

I have learnt that the only way to avoid disappointment is to keep your guard up and lower your hopes. That people, including myself, will inevitably disappoint me. But each person to a different extent, when I least expect it.

I had entered 2017 with high hopes, expecting life to treat me as well as it had in 2016. But life, being as it always is, decided to play cruel jokes on me. 2017 was a reminder that 2009 was not a one off. That I may very well have 2009 repeat itself over and over again, at times when I least expect it, when I'm in my bubble of joy. That one day, when I'm unaware, the bubble will break. And then I will crash and fall and maybe burn.

"Everyone joins a band in this life. One way or another, the band breaks up."

- Mitch Albom

Bands were broken up. So many that I lost count. New bands were formed, but things have never been the same since. I'm not saying these new bands are bad. But like all new bands, starting out is always difficult because everyone has a different rhythm, different style. And it takes time to learn how to work together. They say time heals all wounds. And I dare say, that saying has truth in it. But patience was never my strong suit.

It was a very, very trying year. But like all years, there is always something to be thankful for. In this year, I am grateful for the new friendships forged. For the people who stuck by me after hearing my story. For the person who was there to listen to me when I told her how hard it was for me to take each waking breath and helped me through that extremely difficult period. For the people whom I have still yet to share my story with, but bring a smile to my face every time we meet, every time we text or snap.

I am grateful that the year started and ended on a good note. I entered the year going on my first ever solo trip to Japan that I thoroughly enjoyed and will serve as a reminder that I don't need to depend on anyone to have an amazing trip. I exited the year with a road trip in NZ with an old friend and a stranger-turned-new friend. I was reminded that it is possible to go on a trip with people without ruining friendships. That strangers can become friends and travelling does not necessarily break friendships. I was reminded at the end of the year that I am not as stupid as I thought I once was. That I can do well academically. That I accomplished my goals. 
I am grateful that despite all the obstacles I faced this year, there were still many moments of joy, laughter and love. That all these obstacles have served to help me better see who is truly there for me. I am not sure what to expect for the year ahead, but I hope to make it through stronger than ever.

Midway point

And just like that, I'm halfway through my journey in achieving my degree.

This year has probably been one of the hardest years I've ever had. Not only did I have the regular academic load of a typical student, I also had to juggle my clinical placement responsibilities and work with real people, who have real problems. The gravity of those responsibilities made me tremble with nervousness every Sunday night. I was so scared that I would ruin real lives if I wasn't able to do my job adequately.

The results I got at the end of the first semester had me really shaken with fear, filled with disappointment and left me questioning my worth. What am I, if I'm not smart? All my life, if I could bank my hopes on one thing, it would be my academic success. It is the very thing that has even brought me to Australia to study. To be honest, I want to believe that my results in the first semester was a one-off incident. But as the second semester began to flood my timetable and impose a heavy load on my back, I can now say I am truly questioning that "intelligence" that I once thought I had. I am pretty sure I won't do as well as I had hoped to for this semester. What scares me more is whether I can do well in the next half of this programme. If I can't even do well in second year, what makes me think I can do better in 3rd and 4th year, when the topics will be even more complex? So many questions that I ask myself, but I don't even know if I want to hear the answers. Do I want to continue believing a lie I've told myself since I was 7, or accept the ugly truth and concede defeat?

My problems in the areas of academia were just the tip of the iceberg. Then I had problems in the social and emotional realms of my life. There was a lot of change happening and I couldn't handle it well. I couldn't regulate my emotions as well as I used to. I let my ugly side show and I felt a major throwback to 2009. It was as if life was saying to me, "You're forgetting the lessons you learnt in 2009. Here's a not so gentle reminder."

I was reminded that people can change overnight. That relationships can change in a moment. That trust can take mere seconds to break. That if I don't keep my guard up and trust people easily, the consequences can be excruciatingly painful. I was reminded that the world can be an ugly, cruel place. That the only way to stop feeling disappointment is to keep your expectations so low that it will definitely be met. I was reminded that I can't trust anyone. Because people are human and humans will fail you, in some way or another, just like how you can fail them, or fail yourself.

But in the midst of that mess, I have also learnt that the world can be a bad place, but it still has good. That just as how best friends can become strangers, strangers can become best friends. That every person is different, therefore, so is every friendship, so I can never recreate a friendship I once had with person A with person B.  It has been a very long and arduous journey and I'm glad I'm here, out of the pit. At this point of time, I will admit that I do have regrets. I regret the mistakes I made, for those have changed the course of not just my life, but the lives of others. Who knows, maybe 5 years down the road, I will look back and think to myself that it was worth it. But I will never know for sure right now. I have come out of this year more guarded, more sad than happy and less hopeful.

Strangers, yet again.

Today, I scrolled through my instagram feed. I scrolled it till 2 years back, about the time I started documenting my life before I would leave home to study overseas. I chanced upon old pictures of us. Back when we were happier together. I was reminded of the time we went for self defence classes, shopping for clothes and took the train to the other side of the world(or country) just to see statues and idols. And just 3 minutes into writing this, I went to dig up my old posts. And I am reminded of the time we did things together. Quilling paper on a rainy day, travelling for 1 hours on public transport to eat $2 food, going grocery shopping together. That's just the tip of the surface.
It's funny, how time really can heal most wounds. Just a few weeks ago, when I chanced upon the photos, I felt nothing but sadness. I felt distanced from the emotions I had felt in the memories. But today, I saw the photos and I felt a tinge of nostalgia, know that while I missed the old times and that things are different now, I was glad for those times.
I hope you're happy now. I wouldnt say I'm 100% happy and moved on, but I'm moving away. I'm in the process of fixing myself. I'd say I've picked up the pieces and eventually, I'll get there. From strangers to the best of friends, and now we are strangers, yet again.

Hurting and healing

I thought I was doing fine. I thought that I could speak about this freely, without any pain, resent or sorrow. But somehow, every couple of days or weeks, I get a fresh wound. I lasted for a couple of weeks, and today, I get another wound. It's smaller than the previous one, but it still hurts.
Maybe the motto "Don't give up." just so ingrained in me that I can't bear to end the friendship. Maybe it's the sunk-cost bias. After 4-ish years, it just doesn't seem right to throw away all the time I invested into this. But I know I need to stop.
You've made it pretty clear you want out of this, you don't want me to depend on you, you want me to keep my feelings to myself, or tell someone, just not you. Well these are my feelings. Feelings that I probably won't tell you because they are feelings, and I'm unlikely to act on them.
I want to move out. I want to get out of this house. I don't want to ever see you in my life again, be it in the instastory of our mutual friends, or in lectures, or even worse, in the same clinic group. I don't want to hear your name, or read it anywhere.
I am not hating on you. But, I just want to get away from you, so that I can try to forget. So that I will not be reminded each and every single day of my life here that we were once friends, it didn't work out, and now you hate me. No, I take that back. I don't want to make a false accusation. Maybe you don't hate me, but it sure does feel like it ever since you told me you found it weird to be friends after all that happened. Maybe you can continue to be civil to me and not pine after our lost friendship. But I can't. Believe me, I've tried. I can last for a few weeks maximum, but then something will just trigger me and I crumble. I will pine for that friendship that I invested too heavily in.
I wish I could be indifferent to you. I wish I gave zero fucks about what went on in your life. And I'm trying, but I can't do it now.
I want to make it clear that I'm not blaming you. It's not your fault I feel these feelings. It's not your fault when I cry. But it's my right to feel how I feel. I can't control it. And I'm not going surpress how I feel. I'm not gonna bottle them up.

Looking back, you're not the first person that I depended on more than I should have. Maybe it's my character flaw, something that I will take note of for future friendships. I'm fiercely loyal to the ones I truly love, but sometimes, I pick the wrong ones to care for. I pick the ones that don't reciprocate how I feel for them, and I get crushed. I'm hurting right now, but I am also healing. I am making mistakes, and I will learn from them. Or maybe I won't. Because sometimes, the ones I love fiercely do the same for me, and I don't want to shy away from a friendship that might potentially last for my entire lifetime. What you are is a reminder that sometimes, investments fail and that I just need to learn to move on from there and find other people that can care for me like how I do for them.

Reflection

Nearly 3 quarters of the year is over, and I have learnt so much. Life has reaffirmed that it will always be unpredictable, especially when I least expect it and that change is constant. Change is constant. Three words, but they hold such significant consequences.

I'm learning so much about life and I want to document it right here, right now. So for future reference, Danelle, this is what 2017 has taught you thus far.

1. The importance of the people you choose to travel with.

I cannot stress how important this is. If you choose the wrong group, and the dynamics are off, that's equivalent to the whole trip being screwed up. Before this year, I never thought that group dynamics would play such a huge role in ensuring a trip's success. I knew that good planning was necessary to make the trip enjoyable, and choosing the right location was important too, but I neglected to consider the people I chose to travel with. Which, up until before 2017, had never been an issue. And then, I had the trip that changed my viewpoint on travel. The trip that taught me that a trip can be thoroughly miserable. The reason? Just poor group dynamics. It wasn't any one's fault (or well, if the other people on the trip want to blame me then, that's their opinion), but the mix of people that went just did not fit well. It was equivalent to making a sandwich and combining mayo with strawberries, gravy, brussel sprouts and venison. Just...NO.

2. That friendships end. Sometimes earlier than you expect them to.

Just when you thought that you found someone you can rely on for an indeterminate period of time in the future, that person might just leave you. So remember, don't every make someone your everything. People change, so do you. Sometimes, not everyone can handle your every mood, your personality, and it's ok. As long as you are able to make yourself happy, you can get through this. 

Sometimes, you meet people that you can't handle either, and sometimes that will happen to you. It might take you a short time to figure out who can be your friend or maybe a long time, but you'll learn. And this-people failing your expectations-is probably why you still have trust issues. I know it's not easy to overcome them, and I know you still haven't, but you can work this out. 

3. How hard it can be to cope with changes.

This is a year of many changes. A new house, a new living arrangement, changes in the friendships around you. I know it's difficult to cope. Sometimes your old coping mechanisms just don't work anymore and you use unhealthy methods to cope. You lash out at people, because you don't know how to channel this pent up frustrations and stress properly. You withdraw, because sometimes ignoring the problem and trying to forget helps, temporarily. You put on a mask, because when you're in that mask, it feels euphoric. I wish I knew how to help you with this right now, but the truth is I don't know. But I hope, for your sake, that you will eventually learn how to cope with all these emotions. It's not easy, but I hope that you will figure this out.

Spring

Growing up in a tropical country left me ignorant of the changing seasons temperate climates experienced. I spent a good 16 years of my life idolizing the four seasons. The sweet scent of spring flowers, the warmth of summer and its fruits, the beautiful orange hues brought about by autumn and the pureness of snow in the winter. All my life, I had only known two types of weather. Rain and sun. I didn't experience much changes in my diet due to the season, with no strawberries to snack on, no squash to roast. Everything I knew about the four seasons came from books, movies, TV and anecdotes from friends.
I remember asking my aunt, who lived in Australia, what her favourite season was. Was it spring, because of the beautiful flowers blooming everywhere? Or winter, when you get to experience snow, make a snowman, snowballs and snow angels?(I have since learnt that it doesn't snow every temperate country, especially not in the part of Australia she or I live in.) Or autumn, because you could rake up all the leaves and toss them in the air? Or summer, where you can go to the beach and surf?
I spent my entire childhood fantasizing about what I never had. I remember going to Hong Kong for summer once, and it rained for our entire trip there. Is this summer? I wondered to myself. I went to Taiwan in winter and it never snowed. I went to Korea and had the chance to ski, but not the chance to experience persistent falling snow. Then I went Japan and was fortunate enough to experience falling snow, and realised that it wasn't as magical as it once seemed. Don't get me wrong, it was a magical moment, but I realised that it could be frustrating to have lots of snow because snow is essentially frozen rain which lands and your clothes and melts and makes your clothes damp. Then I came to Brisbane, Australia, where I've learnt that summer is 6 months long and everything else is squished into a tighter schedule.
I still remember the young me, reading books and imagining what it would be like to experience the four seasons. I remember yearning to travel, to experience what I never had, to see the world. I remember dreaming of studying in France, purely because I wanted to learn French. I remember my yearning to study in an overseas university, a dream that I am blessed to be able to fulfil. Sometimes I wish I could meet the young me, for I have much to tell her. Oh little one, there is so much the world has in store for you. And I promise, it will be worth the wait.