Reality

If I don't speak, will my thoughts cease to exist?
If I choose not to vocalize my emotions, is it possible that my feelings can be forgotten more easily?
What happens if I speak out?
What happens when I let my feelings out?
Am I better off staying silent?

Best song to describe my current mood

Empathy

Empathy. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as the ability to share someone else's feelings.

     I want to be an empathetic person. But sometimes, I find it hard to take the view of someone else, especially when I don't agree with that person's opinions. For example, the debate on equal rights for LGBTQ+, or pro-choice vs pro-life. I will proudly declare that I am an advocate for equal rights for those in the LGBTQ+ community and I am pro-choice. 

     Of course, I understand that there are people who don't advocate for the LGBTQ+ community (not that they're against equal rights, but they're in a neutral position) or those who are pro-life. I find it hard to take their stand. To empathize with them. 

     I believe that it's alright to hold your views as long as you don't impose them on other people. But sometimes there's the issue that some people believe you should impose your beliefs on others and others who disagree. So how exactly can I live my life and be respectful of the different views of others? 

     How can I be empathetic? Am I empathetic enough? My mind's a mess right now.

Parenting

Recently, my friends and I were having a discussion on having children and adoption. Two of my friends asked me, on separate occasions, if I didn't get married, would I consider adoption. For a moment, I was puzzled. I don't see marriage and adoption as mutually exclusive dichotomies. Thus, I was perplexed by the way the question was phrased. But I had to remind myself that many people still hold conservative values and believe that raising their own flesh and blood is preferable to raising someone else's child.
A part of me does not want to be a parent. I have written extensively on this subject in my journals. The world is such a messed up place with terrible things happening everywhere. Why on earth would I want to bring another life into misery? Why would I want to subject another being to the dangers lurking the earth? Why would I want to raise a girl in a society that will bombard her with the message that she will never be enough, that she is nothing but a sexual object, that she will be blamed if she falls victim to some kind of sexual assault? Why would I want to raise a boy in a society that tells him he cannot express his feelings freely, that he has to be physically stronger than girls and that he needs to earn more money than girls? Why would I want to raise children in a society that imposes gender roles on them, discriminates people for the pigments in their skin and tells them that life is unfair, they just have to accept it?
I know, far too well, that I do not want to have my own biological children. But lately, I have been contemplating adoption. Because despite how I feel about raising children, I love children. I love spending time with them and teaching them things. It's complicated. I don't want to have my own children because I think I'd love them too much to put them through this screwed up world. But a child without a parent is another story. This child is already in this world. This child should be raised in a loving supportive environment in order for this child to have the best outcomes in life.
But even then, will I be able to make a good parent? And what exactly is a good parent? What values do I wish to impart to my child? There's still so many things I need to consider.

Faith and other things

If anyone asks me, I will tell them that I'm not a believer of any particular religion. If I'm not close to this person, or I am under the assumption that the person will begin a religious debate with me if he/she is not satisfied with my answer, I will say that I'm a free thinker. An agnostic. But truthfully? While I do identify as an agnostic, I also identify myself as an atheist. I don't usually tell people that because the last thing I want to do is spark a theological debate that can last for at least an hour. (Been there, done that.)

I was raised in a Christian family. For 18 years of my life, I went to church, worshipped the idea of god and Jesus. For a very long period of time I never questioned my religion. I never asked why are we doing all of this?  I was aware of the contradictions in the Bible, but I believed the slipshod excuses for these contradictions present. The message of one sermon could contradict another sermon and the lines were blurred sometimes, but I still followed nevertheless. I let confirmation bias rule my thoughts when it came to religion.

The questions begin to start when I was 17. Why are you doing this? What proof is there? Is this reason even valid?It was then that I began to feel that going to church was a chore. At that point of time, I had felt like "god" was no longer with me. I felt like what I was going through was what Christians would term a "dry season".  I began to dread it every week. And it was due to this dread, the lack of emotional highs, that I began to question everything I knew about Christianity.
I began to see that the circular debates and loopholed arguments for what they truly were. I began to see that emotions are easily manipulated and I couldn't trust my gut to tell me whether god was there or not. And so I left.

The second most common question asked to me when people learn that I left church (The most common one is: Why?) was this: How do you feel after leaving church? I felt both ecstatic and frightened. Ecstatic because I was no longer trapped in this mundane cycle that I detested and loathed. No longer bound by the rules of the religions I no longer believed in. But I felt frightened too. Having been raised in an environment that instilled in me the belief that non-believers go to hell, that notion stuck with me far longer than I wanted it to. I had nightmares of being the target of a witchhunt for backsliders. I spent so much time wondering if I was really going to hell. It took me a while to finally get that notion out of my head and I'm so relieved that it's finally gone.

That was a dark part of leaving, but overall, I'm glad for that nasty experience. Because it taught me empathy. Before that experience, I never believed that the environment one grew up in could affect a person to a large extent. When I read of cases of physical or sexual abuse in the newspapers and it was mentioned that the perpetrator had once been a victim, I would snub the fact that the perpetrator had the cheek to mention it. Despite his background, he should still obey the law. No matter what. But now I know, environment can really determine how a person behaves. I began to see how I used to behave as a Christian, aggressively trying to impose my values on others who were non believers. Trying to get people to convert to Christianity. It's such an embarrassing part of my life because I lacked respect for other religions and values. I lacked empathy for others. Now, I see how disrespectful my behaviour was. And I see how context really matters. Because the values you were raised in affect your behaviour. And when these values aren't congruent with the law, clashes will arise.

Decision making

  Just recently, I got myself a ticket for a solo trip. My first solo trip from start to finish, for my 21st birthday. I booked it on an airline that my parents don't have a very good impression of. As I already said, it's going to be a solo trip, something my parents aren't too keen on me doing. I know because I was almost going to do it during my 20th birthday, but they dissuaded me from doing it. I decided to listen to them, because the arguments they made then were logical and on hindsight, I think it was a good thing I didn't go. Half a year of living overseas has taught me so much more about planning trips, budgeting, getting used to cold climates etc. Had I gone during my 20th, I might have been ill-prepared for the trip.

  Initially, I was hesitant about booking it because I guess a part of me is still used to seeking approval from my parents before I do things. I asked my friends about the airline and I was just hesitating about booking the ticket.
Then, I talked to a friend and that conversation helped me realize that I have to stop seeking permission. I am an adult already. That means that the decision maker of my life is me. I have to stop seeking approval and getting other people to make decisions for me. From now on, decision making is my responsibility.

  So I readied myself to book. I filled in all the required details. I was apprehensive about clicking the "CHECKOUT" button. The thoughts: "Should I? Should I not?" kept popping up in my head. Then I took a deep breath, told myself "no regrets" and clicked the button.

  Hello, adulthood.

Language

I've noticed that society tends to have a negative view of using certain choice words. Words that, for some reason, cannot be used by children. Words that invoke a sudden silence once uttered. Expletives, vulgarities are just some of the words used to describe this category of words. But why are these couple of words, out of the hundreds and thousands of words deemed inappropriate for use? If language is a tool for one to express oneself, why is it that some parts of the tool cannot be used even when those parts are in perfect working condition? I have no qualms about using these so called "vulgarities" because I don't see them as taboo. I see them as words that I can use to express my emotions and states. I don't use them recklessly, for words carry meaning and I don't wish to commit multiple malapropisms. I choose my words carefully. I don't like to exaggerate, nor do I like to give unwarranted praise/criticism. But I mean my words. Every one of them. That could also be why people may think that I read into things too much. But it's just automatic.

But I digress. Yesterday, I was really frustrated with myself, stressed out and I said fuck. Which was normal. But what was weird was how my friends said, "That's the first time I heard you swear." But I don't understand. Why is it that this one word will cause my friends to stop and take notice(and silently disapprove), whereas other words are fine. Why do we criminalise words? What is the use of a tool if it cannot be maximised to its fullest potential?

So many questions, but I know I won't be getting many answers today. These questions aren't easy ones to answer. Because sometimes, there is no answer. Or the answer could very well be that these words are deemed taboo and nobody has dared to question them. Or those who did have not been able to convince the majority of society otherwise. 

That's just my two cents.