Fall Apart

“Better not to give in to it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”

-Finnick Odair, Mockingjay

It's so hard. So hard to keep from falling apart, and so hard to pick myself up when I do.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of this sadness that overwhelms me, the stress of uni, of feeling tired and of life. Sometimes I wish this life would end already so that I don't have to carry on anymore. I will not take my own life (because then my parents will have to face the legal and financial implications of such an action), but I can't help wishing someone or something will take it for me.

Am I already in the bad place? Are all these barriers I face works of the demons that are meant to psychologically torture me? 

Purpose

What is the point of all this?
Why do I have to leave my present home for my ex-home - the place that has now been branded as a hell in my head? I'm not emotionally ready to go back and be confronted with the truth every single waking day of my life. To be reminded time and time again that my role in the family has taken a backseat, I am but a house guest. That my role in my friendships has changed. I am the outsider, the alien who doesn't understand everything that everyone is talking about. By people who won't understand how living abroad for 3 years changes you. They expect you to still be the same. But how can one be the same in an ever-changing world?
Why did I sign up for 10 years of hell? 10 years of slavery. I agreed to give away 4 years of my life to live away from home. In merely 3 years it has already led me to grow apart from everyone I used to know. It denied me the opportunity to stay with family when they needed me most. To miss numerous 21st birthdays, a funeral, and soon, to miss a wedding. What do I get in return for these 4 years? An iron-clad agreement to work in a place that will undoubtedly trigger all the sadness I currently carry, being surrounded by dying people for 6 years.
What was I thinking? Why did 19 year old me decide to do this? Oh right...."job stability".
Will I live to regret this?

CNY

This year, I'm celebrating CNY away from home, out of Singapore for the first time in my life. And it dawned on me a few minutes ago that this CNY will be different, not just for me, but for the family back home. For starters, I don't even know if my dad's side is celebrating given my Ah Ma's passing. I didn't realise it until seconds ago, when my family asked me if I'm free to call them. Then I was gonna suggest next Monday and remembered that it's 初一on Tuesday and I figured, 初二would be a better time to call because they don't usually entertain guests on that day and they'd visit the niches of those who had passed. And this time, this includes Ah Ma. And it sucks. And now I'm reminded again that she's gone. I know I will continually be reminded of it but it stings because I don't see it coming when it happens.
I don't want to go back to Singapore. I don't ever want to go back to that conservative city-state filled with racist pricks and judgemental assholes. To have my entire life be scrutinized with a fine-tooth comb by every egoistical person who assumes they have a right to just because. I'm not prepared to go back and assimilate with such a society for 6 fucking years. I'm so done with it.
Is it truly better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all? Does that saying apply to living? Is it truly better that I got to have my worldviews broadened in Oz, to have had my Ah Ma in my life and have to leave Oz and have Ah Ma leave me? Would it have been better if I stayed in Singapore to study and not known Ah Ma? Would I have been happier with that ignorance?

Growth

As the end of a year draws close, I feel like it's time to do some reflecting on what's happened thus far. I know it's cliche to do end of year reflections (so many people do it), but it's doubly important to me because my birthday comes 2 days after the start of a new year, so it really is a completely new year to me (in terms of calendar years and age). 

Australia has helped me to grow in ways I couldn't even begin to imagine prior to my arrival. The independence thrust onto me when I flew here is something I'd never have been able to experience had I stayed in Singapore. I learnt to do laundry, cook and clean the house on a regular basis. I dealt with sickness on my own, because no one else is around to nurse me back to health. It was liberating to have the freedom to do what I want. At the same time, it was isolating initially to do everything on my own. 

I never expected the independence I would get in university. In JC, I was constantly being pushed by my teachers to do better. We were handed out homework on an almost daily basis. Teachers wanted us to succeed. We were drilled to remember X, Y and Z. In uni though, it's a completely different story. Lecturers provide the information we need, but there's no pushing of any sorts. They tell us what to do if we want to succeed, but they don't nag. It's a refreshing change, a reminder to me that I'm independent and don't need this pushing. That I'm expected to manage my time without supervision. 

Block placement was an eye-opening experience. I had a taste of what it's like to work full time in my profession of choice in a school setting. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I still want to work with children. It's unfortunate that I have to wait for 6 years before I can pursue the path of paediatric speech pathology, but that's the choice I made 3 years ago. I made new friends and I got a taste of what it's like to be good friends with my housemate. I haven't had that for a while now. E is such an amazing friend and I'm really glad I got to live with her when I was on block placement. I'm thankful that we still keep in touch and I really hope we'll maintain our friendship in years to come.

I've spent more time on music this year and that's something I'm thankful for. I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't able to immerse myself in playing and listening to music. I made some upgrades (bought a USB microphone and downloaded recording software) and I feel more and more proud of my growth as a musician. I even performed in public on 2 occasions!

I didn't do much interstate/city travel within Australia this year, but I did visit some really amazing countries. I went to Tokyo, Busan, Seoul and New York. I really loved all the places I visited. Each place has its quirks and charm and I'd love to return.

Also, special mention to my chicken fam for being my constant in this tumultuous year. With so much happening back home, more than 3000 miles away, it can feel isolating to be away from loved ones. But I found this special family here and I'm thankful for the bonds we share. I'm grateful that I have people here I can depend on. 

New York City

A life changing trip. I'd never travelled beyond the continents of Asia & Oceania, so to visit North America, more specifically, New York City in the US of A was such an exciting prospect for me. I remember being apprehensive and excited simultaneously prior to my visit. I was worried about the firearm situation there and safety. And while on hindsight, NYC was not the safest city I've ever visited (I witnessed a fight break out in the subway station), I was never put in harm's way during my trip there. I never got catcalled or had dodgy people approach me.
I was able to fulfill my childhood dream of travelling to the States, to watch a musical on Broadway (Anastasia, no less), meet a Broadway star I've been fangirling about since forever, see the Statue of Liberty, appreciate artpieces by the masters that I never thought I'd see in my whole lifetime (the whole Van Gogh collection, Picasso, Monet, Rembrandt etc). It feels surreal to think that I was able to even see so much art on a single trip.
There's still more I want to do in New York. One day, I will return for you.

3 Academic Years

So, I've completed my third year of studies. It feels surreal. On one hand, it feels like the year just whizzed past, but on the other hand, I can barely remember what happened during the academic year, especially in the first semester.
With each year in uni, it feels like I'm entering a completely different chapter of my life. Unlike my earlier years in secondary school and JC, I felt like each chapter lasted for 2 years. The past 3 years of my university life have been so vastly different from each other, it feels strange that they all happened consecutively. The first one was a year of exploration and discovery. If I had to summarise it in a single word, I'd say joy. It was a year of frequent, consistent joy. I guess that's how it is with every honeymoon period, be it with a place or person. With everything around me so novel, I was constantly enthralled by the newness of it all.
The second year was, overall, a rather gloomy and oppressing one. It start off with a bang when I embarked on my inaugural solo trip to Japan, a trip of many firsts. My first trip to Japan, my first ever solo trip from start to finish and I got to have such amazing experiences there. Then, I travelled to Taiwan with my sister. It was a The honeymoon ended and I realised not all friends are the same. I put my faith in people who later, unwittingly or intentionally, disappointed me. I lost faith in myself. I began to question my worth and identity, wondering if I was ever "smart". It was a year of emotional turmoil and disappointment. I ended on a good note, with a trip to New Zealand with a childhood friend who reassured me that I had value, that I was worthy of friendship and love.
The third year was a happier year, for the start of it at least. I recalibrated my expectations so that I wouldn't be disappointed. I found people who truly cared for me. But life (or should I say death?) constantly moves in unpredictable ways. I was struck with the misfortune of losing a loved one. I was on edge, anxious for over 5 months, booking multiple last minute flights home, having to reschedule my travel plans at the eleventh hour and feeling the isolation that grief brings with it, which was further exacerbated by being an 8 hour flight away from home. I honestly did not expect any of this to happen this year. It feels like life was trying to hammer into my head how unpredictable it can be by throwing all these curveballs my way. I have absolutely no idea how next year will be, but I'll be here, trying to pave my way through it no matter what.

Block placement

5 weeks. I never thought it'd pass this fast. 5 weeks in this regional town and I've come to cherish my time here. I've learnt so much about working in the school setting, something I won't get to do once I start work. I've met the most amazing people here who are so lovely and sweet. I felt like an adult, just doing work. For the first time in 5 weeks I hardly felt like a uni student because I was working in a clinic and I wasn't fussing about some random assignment or exam.
I guess I'm still trying to put my thoughts together, but for now I'll soak up the atmosphere here.
T-8 hours