This year, I'm celebrating CNY away from home, out of Singapore for the first time in my life. And it dawned on me a few minutes ago that this CNY will be different, not just for me, but for the family back home. For starters, I don't even know if my dad's side is celebrating given my Ah Ma's passing. I didn't realise it until seconds ago, when my family asked me if I'm free to call them. Then I was gonna suggest next Monday and remembered that it's 初一on Tuesday and I figured, 初二would be a better time to call because they don't usually entertain guests on that day and they'd visit the niches of those who had passed. And this time, this includes Ah Ma. And it sucks. And now I'm reminded again that she's gone. I know I will continually be reminded of it but it stings because I don't see it coming when it happens.
I don't want to go back to Singapore. I don't ever want to go back to that conservative city-state filled with racist pricks and judgemental assholes. To have my entire life be scrutinized with a fine-tooth comb by every egoistical person who assumes they have a right to just because. I'm not prepared to go back and assimilate with such a society for 6 fucking years. I'm so done with it.
Is it truly better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all? Does that saying apply to living? Is it truly better that I got to have my worldviews broadened in Oz, to have had my Ah Ma in my life and have to leave Oz and have Ah Ma leave me? Would it have been better if I stayed in Singapore to study and not known Ah Ma? Would I have been happier with that ignorance?
Friday, 1 February 2019
Saturday, 29 December 2018
Growth
As the end of a year draws close, I feel like it's time to do some reflecting on what's happened thus far. I know it's cliche to do end of year reflections (so many people do it), but it's doubly important to me because my birthday comes 2 days after the start of a new year, so it really is a completely new year to me (in terms of calendar years and age).
Australia has helped me to grow in ways I couldn't even begin to imagine prior to my arrival. The independence thrust onto me when I flew here is something I'd never have been able to experience had I stayed in Singapore. I learnt to do laundry, cook and clean the house on a regular basis. I dealt with sickness on my own, because no one else is around to nurse me back to health. It was liberating to have the freedom to do what I want. At the same time, it was isolating initially to do everything on my own.
I never expected the independence I would get in university. In JC, I was constantly being pushed by my teachers to do better. We were handed out homework on an almost daily basis. Teachers wanted us to succeed. We were drilled to remember X, Y and Z. In uni though, it's a completely different story. Lecturers provide the information we need, but there's no pushing of any sorts. They tell us what to do if we want to succeed, but they don't nag. It's a refreshing change, a reminder to me that I'm independent and don't need this pushing. That I'm expected to manage my time without supervision.
Block placement was an eye-opening experience. I had a taste of what it's like to work full time in my profession of choice in a school setting. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I still want to work with children. It's unfortunate that I have to wait for 6 years before I can pursue the path of paediatric speech pathology, but that's the choice I made 3 years ago. I made new friends and I got a taste of what it's like to be good friends with my housemate. I haven't had that for a while now. E is such an amazing friend and I'm really glad I got to live with her when I was on block placement. I'm thankful that we still keep in touch and I really hope we'll maintain our friendship in years to come.
I've spent more time on music this year and that's something I'm thankful for. I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't able to immerse myself in playing and listening to music. I made some upgrades (bought a USB microphone and downloaded recording software) and I feel more and more proud of my growth as a musician. I even performed in public on 2 occasions!
I didn't do much interstate/city travel within Australia this year, but I did visit some really amazing countries. I went to Tokyo, Busan, Seoul and New York. I really loved all the places I visited. Each place has its quirks and charm and I'd love to return.
Also, special mention to my chicken fam for being my constant in this tumultuous year. With so much happening back home, more than 3000 miles away, it can feel isolating to be away from loved ones. But I found this special family here and I'm thankful for the bonds we share. I'm grateful that I have people here I can depend on.
Saturday, 8 December 2018
New York City
A life changing trip. I'd never travelled beyond the continents of Asia & Oceania, so to visit North America, more specifically, New York City in the US of A was such an exciting prospect for me. I remember being apprehensive and excited simultaneously prior to my visit. I was worried about the firearm situation there and safety. And while on hindsight, NYC was not the safest city I've ever visited (I witnessed a fight break out in the subway station), I was never put in harm's way during my trip there. I never got catcalled or had dodgy people approach me.
I was able to fulfill my childhood dream of travelling to the States, to watch a musical on Broadway (Anastasia, no less), meet a Broadway star I've been fangirling about since forever, see the Statue of Liberty, appreciate artpieces by the masters that I never thought I'd see in my whole lifetime (the whole Van Gogh collection, Picasso, Monet, Rembrandt etc). It feels surreal to think that I was able to even see so much art on a single trip.
There's still more I want to do in New York. One day, I will return for you.
I was able to fulfill my childhood dream of travelling to the States, to watch a musical on Broadway (Anastasia, no less), meet a Broadway star I've been fangirling about since forever, see the Statue of Liberty, appreciate artpieces by the masters that I never thought I'd see in my whole lifetime (the whole Van Gogh collection, Picasso, Monet, Rembrandt etc). It feels surreal to think that I was able to even see so much art on a single trip.
There's still more I want to do in New York. One day, I will return for you.
Friday, 23 November 2018
3 Academic Years
So, I've completed my third year of studies. It feels surreal. On one hand, it feels like the year just whizzed past, but on the other hand, I can barely remember what happened during the academic year, especially in the first semester.
With each year in uni, it feels like I'm entering a completely different chapter of my life. Unlike my earlier years in secondary school and JC, I felt like each chapter lasted for 2 years. The past 3 years of my university life have been so vastly different from each other, it feels strange that they all happened consecutively. The first one was a year of exploration and discovery. If I had to summarise it in a single word, I'd say joy. It was a year of frequent, consistent joy. I guess that's how it is with every honeymoon period, be it with a place or person. With everything around me so novel, I was constantly enthralled by the newness of it all.
The second year was, overall, a rather gloomy and oppressing one. It start off with a bang when I embarked on my inaugural solo trip to Japan, a trip of many firsts. My first trip to Japan, my first ever solo trip from start to finish and I got to have such amazing experiences there. Then, I travelled to Taiwan with my sister. It was a The honeymoon ended and I realised not all friends are the same. I put my faith in people who later, unwittingly or intentionally, disappointed me. I lost faith in myself. I began to question my worth and identity, wondering if I was ever "smart". It was a year of emotional turmoil and disappointment. I ended on a good note, with a trip to New Zealand with a childhood friend who reassured me that I had value, that I was worthy of friendship and love.
The third year was a happier year, for the start of it at least. I recalibrated my expectations so that I wouldn't be disappointed. I found people who truly cared for me. But life (or should I say death?) constantly moves in unpredictable ways. I was struck with the misfortune of losing a loved one. I was on edge, anxious for over 5 months, booking multiple last minute flights home, having to reschedule my travel plans at the eleventh hour and feeling the isolation that grief brings with it, which was further exacerbated by being an 8 hour flight away from home. I honestly did not expect any of this to happen this year. It feels like life was trying to hammer into my head how unpredictable it can be by throwing all these curveballs my way. I have absolutely no idea how next year will be, but I'll be here, trying to pave my way through it no matter what.
With each year in uni, it feels like I'm entering a completely different chapter of my life. Unlike my earlier years in secondary school and JC, I felt like each chapter lasted for 2 years. The past 3 years of my university life have been so vastly different from each other, it feels strange that they all happened consecutively. The first one was a year of exploration and discovery. If I had to summarise it in a single word, I'd say joy. It was a year of frequent, consistent joy. I guess that's how it is with every honeymoon period, be it with a place or person. With everything around me so novel, I was constantly enthralled by the newness of it all.
The second year was, overall, a rather gloomy and oppressing one. It start off with a bang when I embarked on my inaugural solo trip to Japan, a trip of many firsts. My first trip to Japan, my first ever solo trip from start to finish and I got to have such amazing experiences there. Then, I travelled to Taiwan with my sister. It was a The honeymoon ended and I realised not all friends are the same. I put my faith in people who later, unwittingly or intentionally, disappointed me. I lost faith in myself. I began to question my worth and identity, wondering if I was ever "smart". It was a year of emotional turmoil and disappointment. I ended on a good note, with a trip to New Zealand with a childhood friend who reassured me that I had value, that I was worthy of friendship and love.
The third year was a happier year, for the start of it at least. I recalibrated my expectations so that I wouldn't be disappointed. I found people who truly cared for me. But life (or should I say death?) constantly moves in unpredictable ways. I was struck with the misfortune of losing a loved one. I was on edge, anxious for over 5 months, booking multiple last minute flights home, having to reschedule my travel plans at the eleventh hour and feeling the isolation that grief brings with it, which was further exacerbated by being an 8 hour flight away from home. I honestly did not expect any of this to happen this year. It feels like life was trying to hammer into my head how unpredictable it can be by throwing all these curveballs my way. I have absolutely no idea how next year will be, but I'll be here, trying to pave my way through it no matter what.
Saturday, 10 November 2018
Block placement
5 weeks. I never thought it'd pass this fast. 5 weeks in this regional town and I've come to cherish my time here. I've learnt so much about working in the school setting, something I won't get to do once I start work. I've met the most amazing people here who are so lovely and sweet. I felt like an adult, just doing work. For the first time in 5 weeks I hardly felt like a uni student because I was working in a clinic and I wasn't fussing about some random assignment or exam.
I guess I'm still trying to put my thoughts together, but for now I'll soak up the atmosphere here.
T-8 hours
I guess I'm still trying to put my thoughts together, but for now I'll soak up the atmosphere here.
T-8 hours
Sunday, 16 September 2018
Summer
"Why aren't you going back for summer?" says everyone who's going back and can't fathom why I'd choose to spend 3 months of my life in my second home instead of my first.
Is it so unfathomable that I'd prefer to stay in my second home during the summer, my first summer in this place ever? Is it so unthinkable that I'd like to experience a summer Christmas? Because the alternative (returning to my first home) is such an amazing alternative, hey?
There's absolutely nothing I'd like to do more than to walk along the corridor towards my flat. As I take each step towards the front door, and in my left peripheral view, I'll see the plants my Ah ma used to nurture each and every day when she could still manage to step out of the house. Or maybe instead, I'll see the space where my Ah ma used to keep her plants, the plants all withered, dead and discarded when she passed. Then I'll get closer to the door, and even before I pull out my keys, I will see the door to her room. When I enter the house and walk towards my bedroom, I will pass the room she and my ah gong used to live it. Each time I walk past that room, I will be slapped with a reminder of its emptiness, devoid of any life. Each time I leave or enter the house I spent the first 20 years of my life in, I will see that room. I will be confronted with the cold, hard truth of how both my grandparents took their last breaths in that room, 6 years apart from each other and how I was absent when it happened.
I'll sit on the couch and listen to the sounds in this house. My ears will quickly pick up that the only language spoken in this house is now English, in contrast to the smattering of English, Hokkien, Mandarin and occasional Malay they used to be bombarded with each day. They will pick up that the mean sound pressure level isn't as high as it used to be.
My nose will pick up the absence of medical balms and oils in the house. The smell of hong you no longer pervades my nostrils like it used to.
At dinner, there will rarely be porridge present on the table. The amount of food served on the table has decreased. The amount of rice in the rice cooker will also have decreased.
When I leave the house, I will no longer be nagged at to remember my phone, wallet, jumper and ezlink card. Sometimes, I will run down half a storey of stairs, only to have to run back up because I left something in the house. I will knock on the door and it'll take twice as long as it used to get the door open because I have to wait for my sister to come out from our bedroom, which is further away from the front door than Ah ma's room.
It sounds like a terrific way to spend 3 months, doesn't it? That's probably why you can't fathom why I'd choose to pass it up.
Is it so unfathomable that I'd prefer to stay in my second home during the summer, my first summer in this place ever? Is it so unthinkable that I'd like to experience a summer Christmas? Because the alternative (returning to my first home) is such an amazing alternative, hey?
There's absolutely nothing I'd like to do more than to walk along the corridor towards my flat. As I take each step towards the front door, and in my left peripheral view, I'll see the plants my Ah ma used to nurture each and every day when she could still manage to step out of the house. Or maybe instead, I'll see the space where my Ah ma used to keep her plants, the plants all withered, dead and discarded when she passed. Then I'll get closer to the door, and even before I pull out my keys, I will see the door to her room. When I enter the house and walk towards my bedroom, I will pass the room she and my ah gong used to live it. Each time I walk past that room, I will be slapped with a reminder of its emptiness, devoid of any life. Each time I leave or enter the house I spent the first 20 years of my life in, I will see that room. I will be confronted with the cold, hard truth of how both my grandparents took their last breaths in that room, 6 years apart from each other and how I was absent when it happened.
I'll sit on the couch and listen to the sounds in this house. My ears will quickly pick up that the only language spoken in this house is now English, in contrast to the smattering of English, Hokkien, Mandarin and occasional Malay they used to be bombarded with each day. They will pick up that the mean sound pressure level isn't as high as it used to be.
My nose will pick up the absence of medical balms and oils in the house. The smell of hong you no longer pervades my nostrils like it used to.
At dinner, there will rarely be porridge present on the table. The amount of food served on the table has decreased. The amount of rice in the rice cooker will also have decreased.
When I leave the house, I will no longer be nagged at to remember my phone, wallet, jumper and ezlink card. Sometimes, I will run down half a storey of stairs, only to have to run back up because I left something in the house. I will knock on the door and it'll take twice as long as it used to get the door open because I have to wait for my sister to come out from our bedroom, which is further away from the front door than Ah ma's room.
It sounds like a terrific way to spend 3 months, doesn't it? That's probably why you can't fathom why I'd choose to pass it up.
Monday, 10 September 2018
Things not to say to someone who is mourning
Ah death. The other half to life. What begins has to end and there's no escaping it.
However, some things we can escape are awkward interactions with people in mourning.
It's not that often that someone around us experiences a tragic loss and that's probably why we don't have these conversations that much. And in many cases, the person experiencing loss is in pain as well and the last thing you'd want is to hurt them with your words. Yet, it happens all the time because of the lack of practice in these situations. So to avoid unintentionally hurting someone you care about, here's some tips on what NOT to say or do to someone who's mourning.
1. "At least" - Don't utter these two words. The connotation behind "at least" is that there is an upside amidst all the tragedy. Don't fucking tell a grieving person what they should be thankful for.
Here's what I think when you say "At least she lived till 80."
So she technically SHOULDN'T have lived to 80? She should have died at a younger age?
Here's what I think when you say "At least she's not in pain anymore."
No shit, Sherlock, I never would have thought of that. You're an absolute genius and my mind is absolutely blown.
I don't need rationality because I am swimming in sadness. I don't need you to try and pull me out, I need to be here for a while. This is someone I've known for the past 22 years of my life. This is the woman who was once a heavy smoker, who gave up her cigarettes during my mum's pregnancy so that I wouldn't suffer the consequences of second-hand smoke. You cannot expect me to be unaffected. You cannot expect me to move on in a flash. This is a person whom I've known my entire life. How can you expect me to act like nothing's happened?
2. Don't spin the conversation into something thankful if I'm not ready to hear it. While being thankful and trying to be positive might work in other situations, it feels like a slap in the face when people try to see the positive side of things if I'm not ready to head that direction. I don't need to hear the benefits of my grandma's death. I'm not asking you to write an expository essay detailing the pros and cons of my grandma's demise. Death is a fucking devastating thing. The fact that you're trying to sugarcoat it with rainbows and unicorns just pisses me off. I need to grieve. Telling me the pros of her demise won't help me if I'm not ready to hear it. In fact, it makes me feel like you think that my grandma didn't deserve to live longer. You seem to be saying that every day she had on this earth was unmerited.
3. Don't expect a good response to "my condolences". I honestly never and still don't know how to respond to phrases like "My condolences to your family". I've seen people respond with a thank you and that's what I've been doing but I don't get it. Fine, I get that you are trying to empathize, but I don't need your empathy. I just need my grandma to be alive and well and in front of me. I need my grandma back. I need to see her every Saturday on our scheduled Facetime sessions. I need her to be there to watch me graduate. I need her to say bye when I leave for work in the mornings and say hi when I come back home from work. I don't need your condolences.
4. Don't disrespect others' beliefs about afterlife. Oh my god. If only I could truly express how much this pisses me off. I don't believe in afterlife. So I don't believe I'll ever see my grandma again. And if I mention that to you, if I mention how devastated I am that death is irreversible and that the last time I saw my grandma before she took her last breath was over Facetime and she was unconscious and I never got to say a proper goodbye again, I do NOT need a religious or theological lecture from you. Never have and never will. Please keep your beliefs about afterlife to yourself and just acknowledge my feelings.
At the end of they day, I just want for you to be there. I don't expect you to say anything life changing that will make me feel better because come on, that's not possible. I don't even need you to be there if it's too much. I'm going to cry and I'll need space. But here's one thing I really DON'T need. And that's for you to say something unneccessary that'll make me hurt more. Be quiet if you don't have anything good to say. I honestly really appreciate that way more than a fucking "at least..."
However, some things we can escape are awkward interactions with people in mourning.
It's not that often that someone around us experiences a tragic loss and that's probably why we don't have these conversations that much. And in many cases, the person experiencing loss is in pain as well and the last thing you'd want is to hurt them with your words. Yet, it happens all the time because of the lack of practice in these situations. So to avoid unintentionally hurting someone you care about, here's some tips on what NOT to say or do to someone who's mourning.
1. "At least" - Don't utter these two words. The connotation behind "at least" is that there is an upside amidst all the tragedy. Don't fucking tell a grieving person what they should be thankful for.
Here's what I think when you say "At least she lived till 80."
So she technically SHOULDN'T have lived to 80? She should have died at a younger age?
Here's what I think when you say "At least she's not in pain anymore."
No shit, Sherlock, I never would have thought of that. You're an absolute genius and my mind is absolutely blown.
I don't need rationality because I am swimming in sadness. I don't need you to try and pull me out, I need to be here for a while. This is someone I've known for the past 22 years of my life. This is the woman who was once a heavy smoker, who gave up her cigarettes during my mum's pregnancy so that I wouldn't suffer the consequences of second-hand smoke. You cannot expect me to be unaffected. You cannot expect me to move on in a flash. This is a person whom I've known my entire life. How can you expect me to act like nothing's happened?
2. Don't spin the conversation into something thankful if I'm not ready to hear it. While being thankful and trying to be positive might work in other situations, it feels like a slap in the face when people try to see the positive side of things if I'm not ready to head that direction. I don't need to hear the benefits of my grandma's death. I'm not asking you to write an expository essay detailing the pros and cons of my grandma's demise. Death is a fucking devastating thing. The fact that you're trying to sugarcoat it with rainbows and unicorns just pisses me off. I need to grieve. Telling me the pros of her demise won't help me if I'm not ready to hear it. In fact, it makes me feel like you think that my grandma didn't deserve to live longer. You seem to be saying that every day she had on this earth was unmerited.
3. Don't expect a good response to "my condolences". I honestly never and still don't know how to respond to phrases like "My condolences to your family". I've seen people respond with a thank you and that's what I've been doing but I don't get it. Fine, I get that you are trying to empathize, but I don't need your empathy. I just need my grandma to be alive and well and in front of me. I need my grandma back. I need to see her every Saturday on our scheduled Facetime sessions. I need her to be there to watch me graduate. I need her to say bye when I leave for work in the mornings and say hi when I come back home from work. I don't need your condolences.
4. Don't disrespect others' beliefs about afterlife. Oh my god. If only I could truly express how much this pisses me off. I don't believe in afterlife. So I don't believe I'll ever see my grandma again. And if I mention that to you, if I mention how devastated I am that death is irreversible and that the last time I saw my grandma before she took her last breath was over Facetime and she was unconscious and I never got to say a proper goodbye again, I do NOT need a religious or theological lecture from you. Never have and never will. Please keep your beliefs about afterlife to yourself and just acknowledge my feelings.
At the end of they day, I just want for you to be there. I don't expect you to say anything life changing that will make me feel better because come on, that's not possible. I don't even need you to be there if it's too much. I'm going to cry and I'll need space. But here's one thing I really DON'T need. And that's for you to say something unneccessary that'll make me hurt more. Be quiet if you don't have anything good to say. I honestly really appreciate that way more than a fucking "at least..."
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